[Melihat yang tersirat daripada yang tersirat]
Mmmmmmm... we just need to seek the right thing..
My first time writing as a third year med.. It has been over two years now that I've started this blog, merely for myself, so that I don't forget as I often do.
It's easy enough to get suffocated in the immense workload of study, jemaah and for my self development (one that I attain indirectly from the two former) but this hopefully would be my central line to keep me breathing in a breath of a Muslim.
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Flashback :
Teringat dulu di National Ibnu Sina Convention (NICE) 2013, ada seorang doktor yang sungguh aku cukup terkesan dengan kata-katanya :
"Betapa ramai doktor yang ada mata tapi tak melihat, yang ada telinga tapi tak mendengar.
Sekadar melihat apa yang di depan mata - bleeding, scars, tears, feeding tube,pale figure
Sekadar mendengar segala yang lalu di telinga - shout, cries, the sound of breathlessness
sebab senang untuk kita doktor menjadi manusia yang tanpa rasa.
yang melihat anak kecil kesakitan tanpa mengalir air mata,
atau orang tua sakit tanpa ditemani sesiapa, tapi kita langsung tak terasa terluka,
atau sekadar pesakit yang banyak, tapi kita langsung tak iring dengan doa,
rugilah mata dan telinga andai inputnya tak masuk dalam jiwa."
mmmmmmmmmm.. hence this is a post untuk melihat apa yang tersirat daripada benda tersurat..
sesuatu nikmat yang aku kira bukan semua orang dapat..
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A few interesting words from the patients :
"There's no such thing as life, just an existence"
"You know doctors, I'm tired of battling.I just want everything to end quickly" .
" I just want to die comfortably, you know, no pain, hence the morphines"
" Do you know how death feels like doctor? I know you've never experience one, so does everyone else, but it's just a question I have. I guess I'll get the answers soon enough"
A few words and questions that got me thinking. thinking really hard. Allahu Akbar. Memang mengalir air mata melihat mereka menatap maut di depan mata.
Tapi bagi mereka : "a painless death" or "a comfortable death" is what they long for. But is it the same for us Muslim?
Doa yang kita selalu baca :
Yes, a husnul khotimah is what we long for but does it equals to a comfortable death? I wonder..
If a 'painful death' would lead to husnul khotimah, maka jauh lebih baik menanggung 'luka di mata manusia' andai dapat redha Dia. Seperti Tok Janggut yang mayatnya digantung songsang dan diarak di segenap kota : begitu buruk di pandangan manusia, tapi di mata Pencipta, pahala jihad menanti di syurga. Biarlah buruk mati manusia, andai baik di sisi Dia..
Tapi ada juga pejuang agama yang mungkin nampak meninggalnya dia dalam keadaan selesa tapi sedikitpun tak kurang pahalanya. Itu semua terserah kepada Dia. Hence, siapalah kita untuk menilai orang pada saat akhir dia.
Comfortable death vs painful death = husnul khotimah? I still wonder..
TAMPAL : A FEW MORE NOTES TO SELF!!
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[of past and present]
Alhamdulillah, finished my first rotation in National Rehabilitation Hospital. An eye opener and a very heartwarming experience.
Meeting patients in spinal cord injury ward as well as brain injury ward, took me back to my past when I still had a grandmother who was a stroke patient. I wish I could treat her better when I still had the chance. No points regretting as i was still just a little girl back then. But I guess, this two weeks have given me a second chance to try and mend my own feeling, and indeed I see God's grace in every mistakes.
Terlalu banyak yang dipelajari. How a slight damage to the brain can cause catastrophic effects. Trying to be in their shoes..
Dysphasia : a communication defect due to damage in the brain's language region. Expressive dysphasia : you would be able to understand what's going on, what people are talking about yet you are unable to communicate your thoughts.. Depressing.. Especially if you used to be a very chatty person and now all those words are gone and you're stripped away from your personality. Mmmmmm..
Quadriplegia : paralysis that results in a total or partial loss of upper and lower limb functions. Not having any sense on hands and legs and losing motor function, just imagine if a young person gets this. A former athlete and now your prognosis: to walk with assistance. Mmmm..
Sad. Yet this is a rehab centre. All is not gloomy. People come here hoping to get better and indeed I saw very optimistic patients as well.
Those who could not even lift their legs when they first came in and now they can stand shakingly.
Those whose words cannot be deciphered and now they can say yes and no.
Those who came in, intubated and now walk off breathing on their own.
Yes, it's not too huge of an improvement but still an improvement, even if it takes them months to get there. And to see the patients being discharged in a better condition regardless of how little the improvement is, is such a heartwarming scene, subhanallah.. :') and these are the things that kind of shed light to a gloomy day. Subhanallah..
HOPE. It's always there, you just have to put some faith in it and a huge dose of effort to keep it alive.
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[of present and future]
It's my last day in palliative care rotation and everything was so quiet today.. partly because some have gone home for the weekend while some have gone forever..
Two passed away last night and another three had only a few days to live. There's an end-of-life breathing pattern they say, and I just saw one just now..
"He doesn't have much time left. Probably hours or at most days" the doctor broke the news to the patient's family
Some broke into tears while some remain strong, for the sake of the family. But none was left without tears in the eyes, not even us.. silence..
There was a moment of silence. As a sign of respect and partly for us in the team to regain back our strength. It wasn't easy especially when you have to go through that kind of experience thrice, in a row. But we moved on with tears still not dried - still a few more patients to meet. And that's just life, sometimes you just have to put aside your own feelings.
Met another patient and I was surprised to be greeted with "Assalamualaikum" and I can't help but to smile again. She doesn't speak English so it was hard for the doctors to get anything from her yet she tried her best to talk to me with whatever gestures and words that we share in common.
"Eid mubarrak" she said. "I do qurban" she added. i know she's a muslim, the way she covers her hair..And I just nodded but there's this feeling that makes me smile from within.
There's not much that can be done with her limited English explanation so we left and she herself seemed reluctant to be examined by a male doctor.
And that hits me and it hits hard. If only I have the knowledge and capacity to help her as a doctor but currently I don't.. soon in shaa Allah.. and you'll see another doctor for the ummah..
Later, I visited her again, this time with the few prayers that I know. She speaks little English and I speak none of her language yet the silence still has its own way to bridge us.. I guess it's what's inside that bridges us together...
Alhamdulillah.. thank you Allah. Thank you sister, for making my day brighter. Thank you for getting that spirit of "doctor for the ummah" uplifted again.. you have no idea how your silence speaks through me.. :")
So dear me : usaha kena kuat untuk jadi doktor bagi ummat. Moga Allah redha..
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