LESSONS LEARNT... MAYBE.. MAYBE NOT...

Just reminiscing some of the lessons I've learnt back in the old days, where time is on my side.. mmmmmmmmm... have I truly learnt..mmmmmmmmm..  astaghfirullah...

What we are today comes from the thought of yesterday, and our present thought build our life of tomorrow.. INSYAALLAH~~

2011's Lessons

1. I learned something about self pity. I’m not saying that everyone else had it easy. It’s just that I’ve had it worse because every time I think that it’s very tiring or I’ve put so much effort or I wanted to smile so badly but I just have to sigh or in simple words, my life sucks, I start looking at everyone else and hate myself for thinking my life sucks in the first place.
2. I learned that, an offer to help is not a comment of weakness. Sometimes, we are just too ego to ask or even to accept any help thinking that it may ruin our credibility. Well, maybe there are certain occasions where people help because they see us as incapable of doing something, or maybe they help just to help themselves feel good about themselves… Mmmmmm, then again we can’t never tell. It’s no more than just assumptions.
3. Hence, the next lesson that I learned here is that when it comes to assumptions, then just give other people the benefits of doubts (BOD). After all, that’s what Islam taught us, to avoid negative thoughts (su'u dzhon) and think nicely of others(husnu dhzon).
4. I learned that we should never regret any of the decisions that we have made, because at that point of decision making, that was the best solution that we can come up with based on our limited experience.
5. I learned that, sometimes truth can hurt so badly. So, unspoken truth or acted lies (to cover up the truth) may not be such a bad idea, not that I want to live in self denial, but if it is for the better good then I’ll go for it.
6. I learned that, knowing what’s wrong and just talk about it will not make a difference. Making it right however will. More often than not, we just love to make ourselves full time member of ‘lajnah’ complain. One may get amazed at how competent sometimes people can be at spotting weaknesses. Guess it’s just nature, to spot a tiny black dot on a large piece of white paper. It’s true that we do need complains for our improvement, but as someone who’s supposed to be of high academic qualification, is complaining the only thing that we can do? I mean seriously, can’t we do something about it. Maybe, if we spend less time complaining during the making of ‘the problem’ then we won’t have the problem in the first place.
7. I learned that I couldn’t stand getting mad at people without getting sick.  I just have to stay calm and pretend not to see or hear anything that would upset me or make me mad. Guess I just have to adopt that “Don’t know, don’t care” attitude and just smiles, because smiling makes everything hurts less.
8. I learned that a strong desire to do something good despite our weaknesses to actually doing it will make the path a lot easier.
9. I learned that all of our ‘InsyaAllah’ can be used against us in the Day of Judgments if not done well. So, maybe it is best to think twice before we decide to break a promise (even a minor one), or to leave the work that has been trusted to us or to take things lightly or not putting our best effort in carrying out our job. Every ‘InsyaAllah’ should be followed by hard core effort, it should be followed by ‘itqan’.
10. I learned that we just have to put our differences aside and start to look for common grounds if we want to work together especially for a good cause. We may not come to a good term due to the differences but diversity is inevitable, we just have to live with it. I’m sure we are all smart enough to make full use of the diversity, once we see it. But what keeps us blind? Mmmm… the answer is within ourselves.
11. I learned that challenges in life can be harsh and cause great pain sometimes. Learn it first hand this year, for this is a year of tears, a year of loneliness and a year lack of smiles but these hardships made me closer to Him. Because, I learned that “when I feel all alone in this world and there’s nobody to count your tears, just remember no matter where you are, ALLAH KNOWS” and everything else matter less. For that, I don’t mind living it all over again.
12. I learned that I can be a bit hard-headed sometimes. It’s really hard for me to ask for help, though I do wish for some help, simply because I’m afraid that I might get hurt even more if I’m turned down and I might burden others. It’s even harder for me to express my feelings especially when I got angry, it’s really hard for me to say anything, I would rather keep it to myself hoping that time will heal it but it just eats me up from inside out. In fact, there’s this one person who said (text actually) some sort of “if you got hurt by a person, then just tell him/her. How can someone knows if he/she has hurt you if you don’t tell him/her?”.  Well, one should know if one makes a mistake without being told, if not then, just be it, I don’t want to make that person fell all guilty by telling him/her right on the face. Mmmm, guess I don’t really learn anything from this =.=’ 
13. I learned that there’s no such thing as sacrifice because how can we sacrifice something that we don’t even own in the first place. We are just giving the things (time,love,money etc) that we once borrowed to it’s rightful owner. So, don’t worry about that loss for there’s something much better in store for us. In fact, the more we give up provided it’s “lillahi ta’ala”, the more we will gain. It’s some kind of ‘barakah’. I mean if we do something in His cause, insyaAllah He will make ease for us. Alhamdulillah, this year despite all of the hardships I manage to get more than I’ve expected.
14. I learned that we should never take people for granted because everyone wants to be appreciated. So saying “Good job, big clap, congratz, thank you, sorry” means a lot because no matter how much people love you, people get tired eventually for feeling under-appreciated. If we are feeling under-appreciated, it doesn’t matter, because we can just reward ourselves, give a pat or two to ourselves because we deserve it. That’s the way we do it!! Yeahhhh!!
15. I learned how to lodge a police report after losing my purse in Tanjung Malim. That sure was something. It made me realize that I’m a big girl already (for taking action on my own of course, not for my carelessness of losing the purse T___T)
16. I learned that sometimes people find pleasure in learning from books or other people’s experiences because they are too afraid to take the risk to learn it first hand. I know that “Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others”, but seriously it’s just not the same. We may have all the theories and knowledge but if not put to a test then theories stay as theories, in fact it may not even be applicable in the real world. So, just go out there, experience it ourselves, there’s really nothing to lose. (This only applies to certain occasions)
17. I learned that sometimes we compromise too much just to fit in. Astaghfirullah.
18. I learned that there are so many good people in the world and I love to be around them. =) I know that I’m constantly making mistakes. I may not be perfect from the outside, far from perfect inside but I’ll never stop trying to be better and, I’ll never stop praying that one day I will be one of them.
19. I learned that I still haven’t learnt the essence of why do people become extremist in certain things? Why do people take things for granted? Why is it so hard for some people to give their best shot? Why do my things keep missing? Why is life so confusing? Why is everyone so different? Why am I different? (well, maybe not this one, because Allah made me different and special, and I’ll never ask Him why, simply because I just love being different ^^) The point is, I learned that I have so much more to learn from everyone.
20. ‎I learned that "People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway,If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway,If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years building, others could destroy overnight. Build anyway.If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.Give the best you have, and it will never be enough for some. Give your best anyway.Because in the end, it is between you and Allah SWT. It was never between you and them anyway.”

What past has passed and what will be will be.

2010's Lessons

1.       I’ve learnt that there’s only bittersweet moment, never bitter nor sweet moment alone. These two comes together to complement one another. There’s always sorrow in the midst of happiness and likewise. So, there’s no point in being devastated when we’re sad and feeling overjoyed when we’re happy.

2.       I’ve learnt the meaning of failures this year. Never have I had this kind of failure in my life before and it is indeed something hard to handle. Frankly speaking, failing my driving tests twice before passing the third was something. Heheh.. I guess, there’s always first time for everything right. I still can’t help myself laughing at this one but one thing for sure, one thing good about failing is that you’ll remember not to FAIL again.. you’ll try your best next time, not to fail.

3.       I’ve learnt that success means nothing once you fail.. All that you’ve worked for and achieved means nothing in other’s eyes once you make mistakes or fail. But it doesn’t matter, because in the end it’s not the compliments from others that we seek for but everything we did, our effort, succeeding or failing,  is just for one reason, to please HIM.

4.       I’ve learnt about the price to pay for knowledge. Normally, I would learn this from the hardships faced by Muslim scholars in the past in their quest for knowledge from book. But this one, I learned from some school boys in which at this age would normally could not care less about knowledge except to pass the exam but not to them. They came to me, asking me to teach them for they couldn’t afford any tuition. They don’t even have proper reference book to refer to, they came to me with just a note book, hoping to learn something. They came to my house right after finishing extra classes from school and would spend hours at my house before going back right before Maghrib for they have night classes to attend. Even I wouldn’t spend that much hours studying, but they would. Why? Their answer : they learn as IBADAH and they believe that knowledge is the only thing that can change their lives, and wouldn’t surrender at any cost in their quest for knowledge for Allah helps those who help themselves. This made me somehow ashamed of myself for not putting much effort to gain knowledge, the way they do….

5.       I’ve learnt that there’s always others who deserve what I’ve got more than I do. But they didn’t get it for the same reason why I got it. It’s ALLAH’s way to test us..

6.       I’ve learnt that there’s no point in having joy that we can’t share with those we love. The same goes when we can’t share our feelings or problems.  It really hurts a lot not to be able to tell your friends about what your joy or news is, as we’re afraid that we might offend them or trouble them  in any way with the news.. So, we just keep everything to ourselves.. mmm.. but somehow it eats us from inside..

7.       I’ve learnt that  there’s no point in holding grudge and hating others. Hating others will only hurt you more. I’m supposed to learn this lesson last year but then, I guess I had not learnt enough. Hopefully, this will do me good. “Hatred is a curved blade. The harm you do, you do to yourself”

8.         I’ve learnt the joy of being a teacher and being appreciated. I’m far from being a good teacher, I realized that, but I tried my best to be one. What I got from my “students”, the school boys who I’ve mentioned earlier was a big fat THANK YOU and 2 kg of sugars. It may sound absurd and funny to think of getting such thing as gifts but it was one of the happiest moment in my life receiving something from these boys who couldn’t afford anything more, but still give me something as a token of appreciation. Indeed, it’s not the gift, but the thought that comes with it that matters the most. They’ve taught me a lot more than I taught them. They taught me to appreciate anyone who’ve done good deeds in the best way you can, even if ‘sugar’ is the only thing you can afford to repay the good deeds.

9.       I’ve learnt that there’s no such thing as succeeding alone. If you succeed while most of your friends don’t, you fail. In fact it creates greater pain seeing our friends losing the battle than enjoying our own ‘victory’. It makes you think that ‘I should have done something to help’ even though you’ve already done your part in helping them. Still, you can’t help but blame yourself.

10.   I’ve learnt how SMALL  I am when I met various people ; those who are academically brilliant, good at sports, extremely good in manners, Hafiz and Hafizah and even someone who can’t even read. There’s always something that I am lacking of from everyone. That’s why I believe that nobody is above anybody because no matter how good we are, there’s always someone, somewhere in this world who would be better than us.

11.   I’ve learnt that desperate time calls for desperate measures. Sometimes, even someone as ‘gentle’ as me, would do crazy things.. heheh.. can’t forget the time when my friends and I help a cat that got stuck on the roof of Surau As-Saad… Thinking back, I don’t know why I did that? Mmmmm~~

12.   I’ve learnt that I need my friends in my life apart from Allah, Rasul, parents and family of course. Friends are what make me who I am. I’ve learnt that I should have treat everyone especially my friends who I love so dearly better. So, thanks a million for being there for me when others don’t, thanks for your words of courage, thanks for having faith in me when others belittle me and thank you just for being as a part of my life, even if it just for a short while. ( OK, enough of this emo mode, and lets get back to serious business)

13.   I’ve learnt that I should try my best to help everyone. Even a simple deed like smiling, would lessen someone’s burden, so I need to smile more. ^^, hehhe.. I also believe that Allah made us different and special with unique abilities so that we would put them to good use, not only to ourselves but also for others. With greater power comes greater responsibility, so as someone who’s supposedly have academic advantage, we should do our part to help others in our own capacity.

14.   I’ve learnt that I’ve wasted a lot of my time in my life doing things I’m not supposed to do. “We use so many words but have so little to relay as angels scribble down every letter that we say. All the viral attachments sent and passionate insults we vent It's easy to be arrogant behind user passwords we invent. But on the day the scrolls are laid, with every word and deed displayed, when we read our accounts, I know, for one, I'll be afraid. That day I'll be so afraid to read, every harsh word that I've spoken - and every time I have lied. I'll be obliged to admit, I'll be obliged to submit Will I have strength owning up to each deed I've tried to hide?” I’ve learnt that I am a sinner who’s trying really hard to improve myself so as to please HIM…. But very often, i slip.

15.   Above all, I’ve learnt that ALLAH gives every chances imaginable and beyond our imagination, for us to improve ourselves by learning from everything. We can learn from our own experience, from other’s who we’ve known for a long time or everyone we simply meet along our journey. We learn from books, but book is only another source of knowledge out of thousands more that people often neglected as my ‘old’ friend would put it. So, it depends on us how to make full use of those chances..

so dear me : Learn well.. learn well please....

Menghargai Ukhwah Saat Tiada

Buku 5 Tahun 5 Bulan ditarik keluar dari rak. Pantas mata menangkap suatu kertas kecil pada muka surat belakang novel Hlovate itu.. Sepucuk surat daripada dia yang telah menghadiahkan novel ini kepada diri..

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Dear NSM,

Thank you so much for being part of my KY’s memories and in shaa Allah this friendship and ukhwah fillah will remain till forever :) sorry for every mistakes I’ve done sama ada sedar atau tak. Macam banyak x sedar jer… In every circumstances, tak pernah ada niat nak sakitkan hati whatsoever or buat adah marah. Really sorry for that. Sorry that I’m not a good friend though, a friend that often can’t understand what you want or need. A friend who don’t  know what to do when you’re sad. Piyane ^^ The only thing I can do is listen.. Be strong in every single thing you do, coz I know you are XD

KY memories were so much awesome with you. Rescue anak burung, stargazing, panjat bukit tepi surau As-Saad, main guling-guling kat belakang tu… baring atas padang ~ All of those memories, I think are impossible if there’s no you with me. Hehe. I’m not strong enuf to do those things alone. Insya Allah, give me strength in this path too. Jalan mencari redhaNya : )

Kadang-kadang takut jugak kandas di pertengahan, hope u’ll support me all the time, keep reminding me to stick on this path ok? Glad to know you so much XD

…………………………priceless friendship……………………………

But I’ve never had the time and courage to reply the letter until now.. Walaupun mungkin dia tak baca blog ni.. but here goes nothing..

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Dear NA,

Thank you for being such a great friend. The moment you think that you can do nothing when I’m sad (many times), you are my everything because you listen and a listener is all that I need. And now is the time when I really need a listener the most coz being away means I no longer have you, someone who would just listen, no comment, no words but somehow your silence lift up that heavy burden and make me listen.  And I’m sorry too for the mistakes I’ve done but you know I’ve never meant to hurt you or make you cry. It’s so good to have a friend who always seems so strong, who always shows compassion to everything.

While those memories you mentioned were unforgettable ( but you missed one : time panjat bumbung surau utk selamatkan kucing :X hehe), the one that stood out the most for me is when we were travelling on a train to KL. Ingat tak, time tu kita sama-sama tukar cerita sahabat2 Rasulullah. Time tu rasa sweet sangat sebab terasa ukhwah kerana Allah and that was the first time I’ve ever had that kind of feelings in my life. Bercerita tentang kisah sahabat untuk isi masang lapang… mmmmm.. not really something that the old me would do.. Yer lar, Adah bukan budak sekolah agama, usrah pun first time join kt KY. Tapi, Alhamdulillah Allah pertemukan sahabat yang membawa Adah untuk mengenali Dia. For that I thank you. Semoga kita kekal tsabat di jalan ni.

(Oki, dah… tu jer… dah x nak berendam air mata :x )

……………………………..unspoken words ………………………………………

Flash back lagi :: Teringat plak chaletmates yang dulu jarang sangat bersama. Apa taknya, busy sangat bekerja sampai x ingat dunia, balik chalet semata-mata untuk tidur jer.

Tapi kata-kata chalet mates time jumpa kat London hari tu menusuk jiwa.

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M : Adah ok ker kt Ireland? Kalau ada masalah jangan segan nak bagitau yer.

Me : mmmmmm.. in shaa Allah.

M : M tau M tak mampu nak tolong sangat. Even time kat KY dulu, M tau jer yang Adah banyak kali sedih    tapi M x mampu buat apa-apa. Malam-malam setiap kali habis event, balik chalet Adah terus tutup lampu tapi M tahu Adah tak tidur pun, Adah solat, Adah nangis. Mesti letih, mesti sedih. Allah jer tau. M cuma mampu doa.

Me : mmmmmmmmmm.. (thn sebak)

N : N x tau mcm mana Adah boleh sabar dan tahan dengan __________.. Mesti berat tapi Adah tahan jugak. Tapi N sekadar mampu melihat dan berdoa untuk Adah.

M : Memang kami tak mampu nak tolong, tapi kami boleh mendengar. Awal-awal pagi Adah bangun, M dengar jer. Adah nangis, doa dekat Allah sebab Adah rasa Adah hanya ada Allah. Benar Adah ada Allah, tapi Adah pun ada kami untuk mendengar. Dan kami akan terus doa untuk Adah.

N : Setiap kali doa, N mesti doakan Adah dan sahabat-sahabat agar Allah permudahkan kerja. Adah pun doakan N yer :)

Me : Thank you.. In shaa Allah.. :’)

……………………………………….silent prayer…………………………………………..

Pernah dulu terbaca dalam diari N, catatan tentang diri ni yang hina.. tak ingat exact word tapi dicatatnya t : Hari ni, Adah balik lewat lagi, nampak letih. X mampu tolong, sekadar mampu berdoa. Moga dipermudah segala… mmmmmmmmm… tak banyak tapi tu tanda dia ingat kita.

Sometimes we take for granted those around us. At least I take them for granted, jarang sangat ada waktu bersama, borak jarang, movie night pn skali jer sepanjang 2 tahun tu, tu pn after habis exam. Tapi tanpa sedar dioranglah yang banyak membantu dengan cara tersendiri..

At times when they think they did nothing, they did everything. Because their silent prayer means the world to me. And it takes their absence to make me realize it.

……………………………….. Allahu Allah …………………………………

And I realize now, these are not the only great people I’ve met in KY :

Sahabat yang nampak stone tapi dalam hati ada taman, selalu bagi nasihat. Banyak cara dia yang  kurang setuju tapi in the end I always turn to her for advice because deep down I know that our opinions may differ but I value the difference and from it I learned that a real friend will always tell you what she thinks is right for you, although you may not want to hear it (at first or maybe it will take a longggg time before it makes sense to you). Pahit pun harus diluah jua.

Sahabat yang  tak banyak cakap, nampak tegas but her warm hug means the world to me. No words are needed. Just a gentle pat or a warm hug.

Sahabat yang selalu kata “I know you’re sad and it’s okay to cry”. “I know how you feel, just be strong”.. Sahabat ni selalu jer senyum, nampak selalu happy walaupun hakikatnya banyak yang ditanggung. Gang makan maggi time stress. Without her knowing, she’s my sunshine because she would always make me smile.

Sahabat yang sangat sempoi but she's the most amazing friend I've ever met. Strong-willed she is. A source of strength when I need one. Bagi orang lain, mungkin nampak mcm dia anti-sosial tapi sama lar mcm diri ni.. mmmmmm.. mungkin sebab tu kot rasa senang masuk dgn dia.. heheh.. and she taught me everything about Allah's will and for that I thank her. 

Alhamdulillah, tsumma Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for blessing me with such great friends. And I'm so sorry for not being a good one.

In shaa Allah, friends till jannah. 

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“The believers, men and women are Awliya’ (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another” (9:71)

Nikmat yang paling berharga selepas nikmat Iman dan Islam adalah memiliki SAHABAT yang soleh. Jika kamu mendapati kewujudan kasih sayang antara kamu, maka peganglah ia sungguh-sungguh ~Umar Al-Khattab~

sekadar ingatan untuk diri, tentang makna sahabat sejati.

Hope Shattered Not...

From this window,

I see children playing,

and their laughter fills the air - happy,

Soon... that will be me out there,

thinking of the promises made,

a smile long gone, now carved.

"Chances are that you'll be getting out of here in no time"

I heard them say,

Those comforting words, those reassuring promises,

are the things that I live by.

Maybe things are not as bad as I thought,

maybe it will get better.. a lot better..

and the breeze of summer air now offers something different -- hope..

But it gets a little too warm now,

From all those sunshine,

and I try to shade it off - futile,

and then reality knocks,

parts of me are now no longer mine,

on myself I have no control,

bounded by this chair,

en-caged in this room,

and dreaming I still     dare?

I wonder,

Maybe the warmth of summer can lit up this hope,

and keeps it burning,

though inside it starts dimming,

because the light of summer can sometimes be blinding,

too bright to see

between fantasy and reality,

and in the warmth of summer,

they keep battling.

In the end, with my physical limiting,

the future seems too far to be reached,

So I’ll stop counting the hopes and dreams,

Not even dare of dying because that too seems out of reach,

So I’ll wake up to reality.

And the view from this window – is the reality

The facts that,

The birds are still chirping,

The wind is still blowing,

The flowers are still blossoming,

The children are still playing,

And I – am still breathing,

These are the things that cannot be deceived,

And to these I shall live.

Bermain Kata dengan Sebuah Cerita Kembara

Saat hati ingin berbicara, namun lidah kelu seribu bahasa, 

kata-kata seakan tiada guna, 

kerana apalah bahasa  jika dibanding dengan luahan dari jiwa.. 

saat itu hanya sendu dan tangis mengiring cerita,

lirikan mata penuh duka bertakung air mata,

renungan lesu penuh redha.. 

kerana aku tahu meski insan tak mampu mendengar bicara, 

namun aku akan sentiasa ada Dia. 

Dalam bisu aku bercerita, dalam sendu aku bermadah kata, 

dalam sujud hati berbicara, cukuplah Dia untuk ku adu cerita.

Dan kembara itu menyaksikan satu babak baru dalam hidupku. Sebuah kembara untuk tarbiyah hati, mencari Ilahi menerusi duniawi agar diri tak terbelenggu dalam sekularisme yang memandang tarbiyah ruhiyah hanya daripada satu sisi.. Mengenal diri yang makin menyepi... Menyaksikan budaya yang berbeza yang tak pernah kujangka meski bumi yang kita pijak tak jauh beza. . Mendengar luahan sahabat menyedarkan aku akan hakikat cabaran yang berbeza. Melihat bumi Allah yang luas, langit yang cerah, tersungkur sujud tanda "alhamdulillah".

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".... dah jadi makin pendiam, kalau dulu ligat berbicara tapi kini sepi tanpa kata" "Adah dah jadi pendiam" kata seorang sahabat.. dan kata-katanya membuat aku terkesima.. entah mengapa, saat itu air mata mengalir laju (sejak dua menjak ni mmg tangki air mata ni bocor agaknya -.-'' ). Mungkin ada benarnya. Mungkin tarbiyah di bumi ini membuatkan aku lebih gemar mendengar, bukan lagi bercerita kerana aku sekadar ingin mendengar cerita mereka agar aku lebih dekat dengan Dia. Maafkan aku andai aku kurang bicara kerana aku tak ingin bicara kisah duka yang hanya bakal mengundang air mata.

Biarlah kisahku kekal antara aku dan Dia. Mungkin suatu hari nanti aku bisa bercerita tentang kisah yang sama namun pada pandangan yang berbeza, mungkin tika itu aku sudah bisa tersenyum dengan sebuah cerita 'duka'.. (dan saat ini aku sudah mampu mengukir senyum dengan kisah yang lama, alhamdulillah.. : ')

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Terkejut melihat mereka, apalagi mendengar cerita yang takkan mampu kuduga.. tapi mungkin itulah penangan budaya berbeza. Aku yang jahil ilmunya sekadar menjadi pendengar setia, mungkin ada sebab di sebalik cerita. Mungkin aku yang terlalu naif kerana hidup dalam biah yang terlalu selesa sehingga tak kenal dunia. mmmmm.. mungkin... tapi otak ini sering kali membuat spekulasi menandakan perlunya dijernihkan lagi sehabis daya, namun itu bukti aku hanya seorang manusia.. bukan tempat untuk aku menilai, sekadar memilih yang mana kaca yang mana permata dengan ilmu yang cetek di dada. Namun kini kusedar, konteks kita berbeza, mungkin itulah antara sebabnya. Mungkin ilmu sama levelnya namun direzekikan faham itu berbeza-beza. Dan bila masuk bab rezeki, itu semua kerja Dia dan siapalah aku untuk memaksa "kefahaman" yang sama pada insan berbeza, kerana memberi "faham" itu hanya hak Dia. Kerana mungkin "kefahaman" itulah yang terbaik untuk dia dan mereka.. dan kini aku mampu melihat cerita itu dari sudut yang berbeza, bukan lagi pada salahnya mereka tapi pada cekalnya mereka cuba menjernihkan budaya yang ada, kerana itulah "faham" mereka.. mungkin ada salah silapnya tapi kubiarkan itu... kerana al-Ghaffar nya Dia..

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Dan aku mendengar luahan sahabat-sahabat yang penuh liku hidupnya. Tak pernah ku duga sampai begitu sekali cubaannya. Mungkin itulah tanda kasihnya Dia, menghamparkan cabaran yang kukira sangat unik hanya untuk dia dan mereka. Pada setiap ketika akan ada cabarannya dalam bentuk dan rupa yang berbeza, sunyilah hidup jika tanpa dugaanNya. Nasihat seorang sahabat yang tak akan aku lupa "Dengarlah radio".. erkkkkkk.. betul ker yang aku dengar tu.. tenang dia menjawab " Sebab ada cerita yang pelbagai. Tentang kisah hidup orang yang berbeza. Sedih, gembira, lawak atau sekadar hambar, lesu tak bermaya. Tapi ia penting kerana ia mengingatkan kita tentang BANYAKNYA MANUSIA SELAIN KITA.." mmmmmm~ terima kasih atas nasihat yang kukira amat berharga, tentang hakikat hidup ini bukan sekadar cerita aku atau dia, tapi hidup ini cerita tentang kita SEMUA.. dan SEMUA itu besar konteksnya. Dan kini aku mampu tersenyum dengan cabaran yang ada kerana aku cuba melihatnya sebagai tanda cintanya Dia untuk mengajar aku agar lebih dewasa.. Alhamdulillah.. :)

"Berusahalah selagi termampu. Dan lupuskanlah segala cerita yang singgah dalam hidupmu. Kerna cinta kurniaan Allah itu menyentuhnya lebih terasa. Andai kenangan itu mekar hanya sebagai duri yang berada dalam jalanmu menuju ke Sana. Yang menjaga itu sungguh kuat. Yang menjaga itu seorang mukmin. Bukan lagi seorang muslim. Yang tenggelam timbulnya akhirnya bersifat sama terhadap ikhtilat sekeliling yang menyapa. Dan malam itu larut dengan penuh damai. Maka nokhtah terukir. Tanda cinta agung memeluk erat jiwa hamba. Yang setia menanti cinta yang terpelihara. Sulitnya menjaga. Enaknya memendam air mata."

:: Dan kenangan itu kukira bukan duri tapi lebih mengajar aku erti. Lantas aku pilih untuk kekalkan cerita itu tapi dengan cara yang berbeza.. Mungkin sakitnya tetap terasa, tapi wanginya tetap ada... :: 

Dear me : Think twice before you do anything. Cubalah positifkan pandangan. Nilailah sesuatu dengan mata lebah dan bukan mata lalat.. ambil masa untuk me"review" semula kisah yang sama, nescaya akan berbeza fahamnya...

P/s : Jz a step for me to move forward in a much positive attitude dan agar memori UK yang dulunya tak berapa indah kini subur dgn ibrah.. senyum.. tak perlu kata apa-apa.. ^^

Metamorphosis~

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

اَللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وَسَلِّمْ عَلَى سَيِّدِنَا مُحَمَّدٍ

And it's amazing how silence speaks.. 

because it is in the midst of silence, I heard Him the loudest.. 

because without words I started to listen..

and if it's silence that can bring me closer to Him..

then I'll let silence do the speaking..

and lately silence seems to be my closest companion, 

isolation becomes my middle name,

 laughter becomes unheard of, 

smiles are being forced, 

and tears seem to pour down effortlessly,

And truthful was the poet when he said:

"My friend said to me, 

‘I see you as a stranger amongst these people without a close friend.'

I said ‘No! But the people are strange, I’m only in this world and this is my way.'

:: and I can't help but to put myself in this situation ::

:: Dear me ::  isolation is never an answer for reality is something that you could not escape from. But if  isolation gets you closer to Him, then do it for it is a sunnah, but just remember that once you do so, you need to come out strong to serve the ummah. Your silence and isolation is not for you alone but it's for everyone else to share the fruit of  your uzlah.

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:: things seem to tear apart and then get sewn again one by one, just like a puzzle except that they don't really fit in just as nicely as they used to be...yet... or maybe it's just me who don't see the perfection within the so called "imperfections".. 

Sedarkan aku ya Allah, 

akan hakikat hidup yang tak akan pernah sempurna,

bila mana syukur tak bertakhta, 

bila mana iman tak bersuara, 

bila mana nafsu menjadi raja, 

bila mana dunia menjadi bayangan syurga, 

bila mana takwa tak memandu jiwa, 

bila mana diri tersilap memilih cinta,

bila mana hati gagal menilai pahala dan dosa,

saat itu, Kau sedarkan aku ya Allah,

akan hakikat hidup yang tak akan pernah sempurna,

kerana pabila sempurna yang dicari, aku bimbang ia takkan ditemui,

kerana aku bimbang,

dek mengejar sempurna,

 rosaklah usaha, robeklah bahagia, tercemarlah jiwa,

kerana hakikatnya hidup takkan pernah sempurna,

kerana yang sempurna selayaknya hanya untuk Engkau.

Sedarkan aku,

Bukanlah sempurna yang dicari,

namun redha Illahi jualah yang menjadi taruhan hati.

:: Dear me:: Perfection should never be your drive for if it is perfection that you seek for then you're bound to misery , don't let perfect be the enemy of good. Just give your best in the cause of Allah and things should suffice.

“O Allah, I want that I do not want except what You want.” 

Dear me : senyum, senyum, dan senyum oki even if it means faking it :')

~When you stick to give, you'll receive ~

:: GiVe AnD yOU wIlL ReCEiVe.. HeAleD aNd YoU wILl Be HeALeD ::

So, what is there in giving?? I mean.. all of this while we hear the so called "good" people talking about : THE MEANING OF LIFE IS AT GIVING.. But being in this self-centered world, it's hard to just give without having the thought to receive back.. People would prefer to have the thought : What you give, you get back.. ( just for motivation I guess and there's really nothing wrong in it... at least to a certain extent). Just to give an overview of this concept let's watch this super awesome video by Topaz about the essence of humanity (in my own view of what giving means) .. enjoy : D

essence of humanity (what giving means to me)

Sweet right? I mean the video. It's super nice. It makes you want to smile when you see how everyone is linked.. and the best part is that what goes around comes around.. even in our normal life...

"A random act of kindness just lead to more kindness" 

So, for me, giving simply means being nice to everyone because that's how you give a part of yourself to the world while getting some part of others for yourself because everything is a cycle, well.. if not rewarded in this world then rest assure in the here after we'll be rewarded, insyaAllah and that is the best reward of all.. yuppp.. being nice... sounds so idealistic right?? mmmmmmmm.. agak r di situ  kot...

Actually the best part when you give is the feeling that comes with it, you know... the feeling when you get to do something good even if it is just a small deed is just soooooo nice.. if you know what I mean.. because in His eyes, every little things that we do, every amount of effort that we put matters.. sometimes the reason behind us being nice or doing charity is to make ourselves feel good and not really about the people who we're helping, which brings us to a point to ponder.... when we help others, we are actually helping ourselves.. it's like, let me help you to help you help ME.. 

“When you give someone charity be thankful to them. You may befixing their dunya, but they are fixing your akhirah.” Shaykh Waleed Basyouni

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oki,, do you know what feels even better than GIVING?? 

It is when 

WE GIVE OTHERS THE CHANCE TO GIVE...

and I learned it first hand from my MED DAY experience in raising fund for hospitals.. 

and why do I say this??.. mmmmm.. 

To tell you the truth, when I first got to the assigned place, Red Cow, it was really torturous. I was greeted with such unwelcoming harsh wind and freezing cold temperature that I couldn't even feel my hands and feet. To make matter worse after walking around the small industrial town for quite sometimes, I can see no one outside the building and that was definitely not a good sign for any fund raising activities. After a while my teammate decided to call the person in charge asking whether we should just go someplace else but the answer was "NO, just stay and do whatever you can" and I was like "erkkkkkkkkkkkk"... dumbfounded.. trying to keep myself calm I prayed

 ربي يسر ولا تعسر ربي تمم بالخير

"O Allah, make it easy, and do not make it difficult. O Allah, make it end well"

And alhamdulillah, eventually things worked out just fine and I learned a lot from the simple "NO!" instruction.. to list but a few are : patience, perseverance, teamwork, give people the benefits of doubt, smile ^^ is the key to success, and always wear you thermal wear =.=''. 

But the thing that I want to stress here is the fact that why do this kind of fundraising where the fund raisers got all the free breakfast and t-shirts, when we can just allocate the money invested for the free stuffs to the hospitals  and not have the fund-raising-activity in the first place? I mean .. come on, it's not like each fund-raiser got to raise a whole lot of money (well, maybe some people do get to raise a lot more than the others but the average might not even raise as much money as to the free gifts that they got... kottttt.. hehhe.. :p ). OR why not just ask each med student to donate an amount of money to match the donations in the previous year and NOT HAVE THE FUND RAISING ACTIVITY??... mmmmmmmmmmmmm....

My MED-DAY group.. ^^ just the three of us~ 

Well, the answer would be ( saya rasa larr, huhuhuh ) because they want the med students to experience themselves the hardship/sacrifice to earn that little amount of money so that they know what a medical world entails. It is sort of a sneak peak introduction of the sacrifice to be made of how we, as medic student would have to give parts of ourselves to the community while sparing some for ourselves.. and as to why can't the med student just donate their own money instead of going around asking for some from strangers, is because this is the chance for US TO GIVE OTHERS THE CHANCE TO GIVE.. the MESSAGE OF GIVING is far more important than the amount or the things given. In fact I learned a lot from the givers / those who donate and their words meant the world :

Handsome young lad : 

"I know it's not much but I hope it helps" 

Nice old woman : 

"Don't bother to remove your gloves to give me the sticker,because you must be cold in this weather"

Little girl and her mom : 

"Mommy can I put in the money.." "sure dear" 

Wheelchair bound old man : 

"Here's some money for the hospitals. It's nice to see young people doing charity work"

A young woman: 

"ooow, it's for the hospitals is it? Well, I love to donate some. Just wait till I get the money out ok?"

Mom and his young boy : 

"don't bother about that." "But mom.. I want to give my money to her.. here's some coins for charity (while grinning and ran away)"

A young lady : 

"I really want to give but you see, right now I only have my cards"

Me : 

"Thank you so much. Have a nice day :') (with my most lovely smile)

Everyone : 

"Don't mention it. It's all for charity and have a nice day to you too" (with smiles on their faces)

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~and that is the end of my story of GIVING~ ^^

Muslim Doctor in the making...part 1

Degree in Medicine in Trinity College Dublin.. kupinang dikau dengan...

After all of these years, tomorrow I'll be starting my very first class as a first year medical student in TCD...  But the journey started long before that and like most things it started with a "WHY?"

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Boarding off Aer Lingus, I was greeted with the Irish gushing wind... mmmmmm.. "sejukkkkkk....." Alhamdulillah, akhirnya kakiku menjejakkan kaki ke bumi Ireland, typical bumi utk budak medic. ^^

Syukur tak terkira dipanjatkan kerana akhirnya impianku utk belajar bidang perubatan di Ireland akhirnya tercapai lantas sujud syukur menjadi bukti kesyukuranku.. again and again Alhamdulillah..Praise be to Allah that has brought me this far.. More importantly, thank You Allah for making me realized why I am here after 20 years of age.. dan betapa halusnya Allah mengingatkanku tentang hakikat sebenar "belajar kerana Allah" melalui sebuah insiden... mmmm.. Lillahi Ta'ala..

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Tanya seorang murabbi " Macam mana result A level?" 

Aku menjawab dgn agak sedih "Mmmmmm.. alhamdulillah dapat 3A* tapi satu lagi dapat A jer"

Namun ianya disusuli dengan balasan yang tak pernah kuduga 

"TAKBIR... ALLAHU AKBAR!!"

and I was speechless.....tatkala itu air mata berderai laju.. No words can describe my feeling at that point.. berkali-kali Alhamdulillah dilafazkan dan sujud syukur lantas dipanjatkan..pada bulan yang mulia, Ramadhan al-Mubarak itu, insan yang kerdil ini merasai izzahnya Islam dan mula sedar akan tanggungjawab sebenar dirinya sebagai seorang yang mengaku seorang Muslim apatah lagi sanggup meletakkan diri sebagai seorang da'ie... kerana seorang MUSLIM itu membawa imej ISLAM..

Sesungguhnya selama ini aku telah merasai so called 'kejayaan' yang jauh lagi besar.. pelajar terbaik PMR negeri dan among top national dan Top Ten National Scholars in SPM.. sounds impressive? mmmmm..

Sehinggakan aku merasa sedih sangat dgn result A level ( x bersyukur betol.. )..dan apa yang lebih menyedihkan lagi for every single 'success' that I have achieved I would say " Lillahi ta'ala" tanpa memahami erti sebenar di sebalik kata-kata itu... mmmmm..

Tapi betapa sweetnyer Allah apabila dia mengajar aku erti kejayaan sebagai seorang Muslim melalui lafaz takbir daripada seorang Murabbi atas pencapaian yang bagi aku x seberapa ni.. Allahu Akbar.. 

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. ( 2:216)

Bagiku lafaz takbir merupakan salah satu syiar Islam.. satu lafaz yang menandakan kemenangan Islam dengan mengagungkan kebesaran Allah.. dan tatkala kejayaan aku yang kecil disusuli dengan lafaz azimah ini, aku merasa malu dengan diri sendiri kerana tidak melakukan yang lebih baik untuk ISLAM dan I felt not worthy of being the flag bearer of Islam yet...

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Namun subhanallah, maha suci Allah telah menyedarkan aku dan memberikanku sebuah lagi peluang untuk melakukan yang terbaik di bumi yang asing ini, di bumi Ireland.. Untuk membuktikan erti hidupku sebagai seorang MUSLIMah..

and for that I THANK YOU ALLAH and I will do my best to be the real flag bearer of ISLAM in a way that I know.. While the journey may be rough, I will still act tough.. I may slip, I may fall, I may cry, I may take a rest for a while, but I will keep moving forward for I have you to pick me up.. and because I am bearing a bigger name than my own.. I'm bearing a MUSLIM name..

P/S: Dear me... Please do my best.. Fighting!!! InsyaAllah ^^

“Oh Allah! Make useful for me what you have taught me and teach me knowledge that will be useful to me. Oh Allah! I ask you for the understanding of the prophets and the memory of the messengers, and those nearest to you. Oh Allah! Make my tongue full of your remembrance and my heart with consciousness of you. Oh Allah! You do whatever you wish, and you are my availer and protector and best of aid.”