What is essential is invisible to the eye...

H.O.P.E 

Every seconds of our existence is the extension of God’s greatest gift,

Even in our darkest hour, where life seems to be hanging by a thread,

There’s always light in the end, The light of hope..

With much effort and difficulty. A little girl had finally managed to read out loud the words on the card placed besides me. I felt like giggling when I saw and hear her putting the letters together to form a word. There were mistakes in her pronunciation but she did not seem to care and when she finally finished reading the whole sentence, I could see a triumph look in her eyes. Hmmmm.. a pure satisfaction. I guess I could not blame her atrocious pronunciation as she was just a little girl. In fact she was far too young to be staying at a place like this. A place where the smell of anesthetic  filled the air, with doctors and nurses scurrying every now and then: a place they called the hospital. Wait, was she going to be another victims of faith. No! No! No!

__________________________________________________

                At the thought of that, a story of my life started to flash back upon me. I was not born let alone raised here. I was mercilessly taken away from the warmth of sunlight by a man who brought me in this alienated world. I was supposed to be a source of hope, a symbol of miracle of life to my owner. At least that was what the seller told the man and I think he dumbly believed it. Foolish creature. Could a person be that low to believe such a thing.. still, I was bought by the man as a gift for his sick wife, as a constant reminder that there is still hope beneath all of her struggle to fight off the fatal disease that she was suffering from: the final stage of breast cancer. From that moment, I was being taken good care of with tender loving care. I mean seriously.. They bathed me and fed me with nutritious meal, a meal so majestic for someone like me who would feed on anything just to eke up a meager existence .

                Day by day, I grew up bigger and bigger, shining more hope for my owners who were hoping that someday this baby of theirs would enhance his inner beauty.. Days changed into weeks which changed into month, but still nothing happen, I still did not manage to fulfill their blossoming hope. I could see that their faith in me was fading quickly as time passed as I was once again being treated the way I used to: deserted.. But they were not to be blamed as I gave them hope but just a mere hope. A hope that was never meant to be realized in the first place. From that moment, I was being totally ignored by my owners, watching the two couple from a distance without realizing the real situation.

                Until one day, a faint chillness crept over me as I saw the man standing helplessly in the room, looking down upon the empty bed with tears in his eyes.. An empty bed with his wife nowhere to be found and I tried to search every corner of the room but she was not there like she used to. “Where is that woman, for god sake….” I asked.. Then came a doctor and the two men started talking to each other. I could not really get all the points that they were talking about but from what I heard, The man’s wife had been invited by God to a nicer place because she refused to undergo the treatment. Why? It was all because of me as I represented her chance to live but I failed to shine out that chance and gradually lost her will to live since her source of hope was dim. I could not bear to look into the man’s eyes as I know that I was the one to be blamed… shame on me.

 ___________________________________________________

My day dream was put to an abrupt stop as the little girl poked me with her little fingers. Ouch! It was not me who screamed instead, the little girl was the one who was screaming in pain as her finger started to bleed profusely.

“What’s wrong dear? Is everything okay?” I heard someone’s voice.

“Nothing mom. I’m fine” said the girl while trying to hide her bleeding fingers.

Then I saw a caring looking woman entering the room to tend the little girl.

“Let me see what you're hiding dear. O my, why are you bleeding?” the woman asked with such caring tone in her voice. The little girl pointed her index finger towards me. Me?? Was I going to be blamed for her foolish action? No way this was happening. My luck could never get any worse than this.

However the woman just ignored me. Phewww!! I was saved. The little girl started asking the woman, who I assumed to be her mother about me. I listened attentively as the woman started to explain about me.

“This is a ….” Her voice was faded by the sound of the machine in the room. While trying to overcome the noise, she added “ At least that’s what it supposed to be but the chances for the occurrence is just once in a blue moon and I doubt that this little unattended creature will ever…” but her words was once again cut short.

“You mean its chance is just as slim as the chance for me to live? But there’s still hope right? Right mom” the little girl said with much tremor in her voice.

There was a pause, a silent moment as tears started to stream down from the woman’s cheek. She hugged her precious little daughter with so much warmth and love in her hands. There was no reply to that question but just weak nod with a forced smile on the woman’s face as she tried to comfort the little girl from the harsh, cold reality of the world, a world which she was about to leave. I was really touched by the moment. The atmosphere was filled with sorrow as the sun’s blazing heat fade and the skies turned ominously black, indicating that all hope was lost….

“Rise and shine sleepy head” I was awaken from my long sleep. As I reluctantly opened my eyes just to be blinded y the penetrating sunlight, I could see a small figure still lying on the bed. It was the little girl I guess. She slowly rose up from her warm, comfortable bed and made her way towards me. She gently picked me up and said “From this day onward, I will take a good care of you so that you can do what you’re supposed to do: to bloom”.. Hmmmm, I started laughing at her foolishness for believing such thing could happen. Oo how I wished she could hear me saying “Try it if you can”. Still, the way she said it was very comforting and promising that it shone me with a ray of hope that I could actually do it. A hope that I myself had long forgotten but it was being rejuvenated back after its long lost. How I wished it could be true……………..

So, from that moment onwards, the little girl nourished me with love and provided me with all the essentials needed. She provided marvelous food and drinks and the warmth of love that I had never felt before. She was my angle, my guardian, my protector and my knight in the shining armor. She believed in me when everyone else doubted me and would spend most of her time with me, talking to me, sharing he little secrets and jokes even though I was merely being a good listener.

I was shocked to find out that the little girl was diagnosed with a brain cancer. She never seemed to be bothered by that fact as she tended me with so much love and care. The brave front with which she kept in front of me made me somehow ashamed of myself. She was exhibiting so much courage. She was going to die soon yet she could live with so much hope. But me…. I kept on losing hope and feeling depressed as if I was the only one with problems when there were still so much out there suffering. Shame on me.

                As days passed and weeks turned into months, I became healthier and bigger but the little girl seemed even sicker by the seconds. Her beautiful, curled hair started to fall off, making her balder. Her puffy, rosy cheeks were long gone replaced by a pale, sick face but she kept on being as vibrant as possible. I knew that these were the effects of the radiation treatment that she had to undergo but the treatment can only delay her death by weeks perhaps months but it was never meant to save her from the most fatal cancer.

As I stared at her completely bald headed, a part of my brain was asking a lot of questions

“She’s so young, not even out of her childhood.”

“ Why has it got to be her? Why not pick someone else?”

“It’s not fair! She’s so good and noble. Why not pick someone else, when there’s so much more bad guys out there? Why? Why?”

As these thoughts crossed my mind, tears started to stream off my pores. Weird. I had never felt this way before but I was too absorbed with my emotional crisis to be bothered by the small matter.

                Now the only chance for her survival was to undergo the brain surgery. A surgery that’s so critical that the chance of success for this surgery was too minor even to be considered. In fact, it would take a miracle for it to be successfully done. Wait, did I just said a ‘miracle’. Then, there was still hope. Me. I was supposed to be a source of hope, a miracle. So, if I bloom then it would mean that miracle does exist right…

“O God please help me to bloom. I would sacrifice everything for the little girl’s chance of survival. Please let me be one of your many miracles in life so that I could actually be her strength to be operated even if it means sacrificing myself. Let me bloom and evolved as the little girl’s hope and miracle. Oo, please God, I begged you as your humble creature” I cried.

                One day, the little girl was getting even sicker that she could not even feed me as she used to. She can only looked at me helplessly on her bed. But I could feel something different about me, I felt like I was undergoing  a morphological changes but I did not know what was the difference. When suddenly the little girl’s mother screamed in delight.

“Look dear. Your baby has blossomed beautifully. It’s a miracle, only a few people manage to live to see this amazing sight and we’re among them” said the mother.

The little girl tried painstakingly to smile and said “Mom, maybe it’s a sign that miracle can happen even for me. I want to be operated. I want to live to see other miracles and I don’t want to die. There’s so much more things I want to do. I don’t want this to be the end of my life.”

                Upon hearing that, I got so happy and felt relief even though I could not see my own beauty. I had finally lit up the hope for the girl to keep fighting for her life.

“Thank you God for lending me the chance  to shine even though it’s just for a little while”

I was fully aware that with my blossoming period, my time on the earth was drawing to an end. I could only bloom once and that was the end of me.

                As the little girl was escorted to the operating theatre on that very day, I could only watched her from a distance. I knew that I could never see her warm smile or felt her warmth anymore as I became more breathless. It was getting darker and colder even though it was it the midst of summer but I kept on praying for the little girl’s safety. I continued hoping that the operation would become  a success so that she could carry on the hope that I had lit, the hope that required my sacrifice. There was not a single regret in me for I knew that I had finally done my role of being the source of hope because that was what a blooming cactus was supposed to do. I spent my last time on earth showered by the warmth of summer air but I could only feel colder and colder until there was no more…

_____________________________________________________________

To be able to keep the hope burning,

despite of that hope being crushed to pieces.......

that is strength.

And to provide hope to others,

despite having to sacrifice oneself........

that is strength.

______________________________________________________________

dedicating this old piece to this one person - who keeps on pushing me to love more..

"when people hurt you, try to love them more"

"honestly, tak marah pun depa, rasa kesian and rasa perlu love them more"

and to another person, whose kindness deserved better.

Al-Kahfi (part 1)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

flashback...??

PUISI 2012, memberi ruang kepada aku mendalami surah al-Kahfi, subhanallah, terlalu banyak ibrah yang diperoleh hingga terasa sangat rugi andai tak dikongsi bersama. Lantas keputusan diambil, akan ku kongsi sedikit ilmu yang ada dengan adik-adik usrah tercinta.. tapi setelah sekian lama, hanya tahun ni mampu direalisasikan... 

Dua tahun... baru datang balik rasa... mungkin sebab inferior tu ada, lantas dipendam sahaja kerana risau tak berlaku adil pada kisah yang ada dalam kitab yang diturunkan Dia... 

tapi sebuah hadith sentiasa bermain di minda, kata Rasulullah S.A.W 

"sampaikan daripadaku walaupun hanya sekadar satu ayat"... 

nah.. sudah tiada alasannya... 

antara ketidakmampuan dan kewajiban, maka digagahkan juga jari menaip sedikit rasa yang ada tentang al-Kahfi.. mainly untuk ingatan diri sendiri.. so here goes nothing...

_________________________________________________

[Al-Kahf]

Al-kahfi,

Bukan setakat kisah pemuda yang lari daripada,

kesempitan dunia kepada keluasan gua,

lari daripada pemerintah yang kejam durjana,

demi menjadi sebenar-benar hamba kepada Dia,

lantas ditidurkan mereka,

tiga ratus dan sembilan tahun lamanya,

dan kita sekadar tertanya-tanya,

berapakah bilangan mereka,

sedangkan terlalu banyak hikmah dalam cerita,

pemuda al-kahfi yang diulang baca,

bukan sekadar cerita semata-mata,

tapi juga ingatan kepada semua,

yang "in shaa Allah"-nya kadang-kadang lupa,

juga kisah sang pekebun yang dua,

disangka nikmat kekal selama-lamanya,

lantas kufur dengan nikmatNya,

terus dibalas kekufurannya dengan balasan dunia, 

agar sedar apalah guna nikmat harta,

andai tak dikembali kepadaNya,

juga kisah Khidir dengan si Musa,

yang sarat dengan isinya,

kenapa dilubangkan perahu, apakah untuk menenggelamkan penumpangnya?

kenapa dibunuh kanak-kanak tidak berdosa?

didirikan dinding rumah yang roboh tapi tak diminta imbalannya?

alangkah anehnya perlakuan Khidir pada Si Musa, 

soalan yang aku kira tidak ada salahnya,

kalau sekadar nak ikut rasional kita,

tapi kerana Musa lupa syarat awalnya,

yang mana sabar adalah kuncinya,

tapi sabar hanyalah sebahagian daripada ibrahnya, 

kerana ada juga ingatan kepada kita semua,

akan hakikat yang ilmu kita ini ada batasnya,

akan sentiasa ada yang lebih daripada kita,

walau hebat manapun diri dirasa,

jangan dirasa kita tahu semua,

maka ambillah masa untuk dengar semua cerita,

gunakan ilmu yang ada untuk menganalisa semua,

barulah konklusi mampu dibuat seadilnya.

juga kisah seorang pemuda,

Dzulqarnain diberi nama,

yang kisahnya bakal menakjubkan semua,

tapi panjang ceritanya,

dan sungguh hebat ibrahnya,

tapi diri ini telah kehabisan idea,

untuk nukilkan dengan sebaiknya,

agar mampu di-absorb seluruhnya,

jadi mungkin bakal dikongsi dalam entry seterusnya,

doakan sahaja...

___________________________________________

sekadar sedikit coretan kepada diri yang terkadang lupa, nilai surah yang diulang baca..

LOVE IS CINTA

...BISMILLAHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM...

[memohon cintaNya dan cinta pencintaNya]

“Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku memohon kepadaMu cintaMu dan cinta orang-orang yang mencintaiMu dan aku memohon kepadaMu perbuatan yang dapat menghantarku kepada cintaMu. Ya Allah, jadikanlah cintaMu lebih kucintai daripada diriku dan keluargaku serta air dingin.”

pertama kali dengar doa ni di surau As-Saad, KY.. dengan bahasa arab yang berkarat, cuba memahami maksud doa ini melalui patah katanya.. 

- cintaMu, orang yang mencintaiMu, perbuatan, again.. cinta -

terus jatuh hati dengan maksud doa ini lantas tak pernah lekang dilafaz setiap kali selepas solat... 

________________________________________

tapi ironi, kerana lepas giat meminta, aku jadi malu untuk menerima.. mungkin itulah realiti seorang manusia, yang terkadang meminta tanpa melihat adakah layak untuk menerima...

Mungkin kerana setelah sekian lama aku meminta, aku lupa untuk membuka mata untuk melihat segala cinta yang ada..

___________________________________

cinta Dia yang memang sejak azali ada,

cuma mungkin aku terkadang lupa,

dan cinta mereka yang mencintai Dia,

yang hakikatnya ada di sekeliling sejak sekian lama,

cuma aku saja yang buta,

dan terus saja meminta-minta,

pada cinta yang memang sudah sedia ada,

lantas, saat cinta dihulur oleh dia dan mereka,

aku jadi kurang bersedia,

aku jadi malu untuk menerima,

kerana aku sedar aku bukan sesiapa,

sedangkan dia dan mereka adalah pencinta Dia,

dan aku... masih hanya seorang pengharap cinta.. 

~ cinta Dia dan mereka yang mencintai Dia.

tapi...

moga nanti suatu masa,

aku bisa menjadi dia yang mencintai Dia,

dan bukan sekadar pengharap cinta,

agar layak mendapat cinta mereka yang benar-benar mencintai Dia..

______________________________________

... pujuk hati saat hati masih kelat dengan keputusan yang dibuat ...

________________________________________

teringat kata-kata imam syafi'ie:

أُحِبُّ الصَّـالِحِينَ وَلَسْتُ مِنْـهُمْ                     لَعَلِّي أَنْ أَنَـالَ بِـهِـمْ شَـفَاعَــــهْ

وَأَكْرَهُ مَنْ بِضَـاعَتُـهُ الْمَعَـاصِي                    وَإِنْ كُـنَّـا سَـوَاءً فِي الْبِـضَـاعَـــهْ

وَأَكْرَهُ مَنْ يُضِـيعُ الْعُمْرَ لَـهْـواً                     وَلَوْ كُـنْـتُ امْرَءاً جَـمَّ الإِضَـاعَـــهْ

"Aku mencintai orang-orang soleh meskipun aku bukan termasuk di antara mereka.

Semoga  bersama mereka aku bisa mendapatkan syafa’at kelak.

Aku membenci para pelaku maksiat meskipun aku tak berbeda dengan mereka.

Aku membenci orang yang membuang-buang usianya dalam kesia-siaan walaupun aku sendiri adalah orang yang banyak mensia-siakan usia."

________________________________

Hence, doa mengharap cinta Dia dan pencinta Dia akan terus dibuat, tapi kali ini dengan usaha yang lebih kuat, agar terasa diri lebih layak untuk meraih cinta yang diharap..
(hapus air mata, tinggalkan segala duka.. ehhhh)

doaku : moga mendapat yang terbaik bagi semua : dia dan mereka. moga diri terus kekal terjaga dan dijaga dan moga yang menjaga, kekal terjaga

T_____T oki.. focus study.. exam in two-weeks T______T 

SEEK BEYOND WHAT YOU SEE..

[Melihat yang tersirat daripada yang tersirat] 

Mmmmmmm... we just need to seek the right thing..

My first time writing as a third year med.. It has been over two years now that I've started this blog, merely for myself, so that I don't forget as I often do. 

It's easy enough to get suffocated in the immense workload of study, jemaah and for my self development (one that I attain indirectly from the two former) but this hopefully would be my central line to keep me breathing in a breath of a Muslim.

_________________________________________________________________

Flashback :

Teringat dulu di National Ibnu Sina Convention (NICE) 2013, ada seorang doktor yang sungguh aku cukup terkesan dengan kata-katanya :

"Betapa ramai doktor yang ada mata tapi tak melihat, yang ada telinga tapi tak mendengar.

Sekadar melihat apa yang di depan mata - bleeding, scars, tears, feeding tube,pale figure

Sekadar mendengar segala yang lalu di telinga - shout, cries, the sound of breathlessness

sebab senang untuk kita doktor menjadi manusia yang tanpa rasa.

yang melihat anak kecil kesakitan tanpa mengalir air mata,

atau orang tua sakit tanpa ditemani sesiapa, tapi kita langsung tak terasa terluka,

atau sekadar pesakit yang banyak, tapi kita langsung tak iring dengan doa,

rugilah mata dan telinga andai inputnya tak masuk dalam jiwa."

mmmmmmmmmm.. hence this is a post untuk melihat apa yang tersirat daripada benda tersurat..

sesuatu nikmat yang aku kira bukan semua orang dapat..

__________________________________________________________________

A few interesting words from the patients :

"There's no such thing as life, just an existence"

"You know doctors, I'm tired of battling.I just want everything to end quickly" .

" I just want to die comfortably, you know, no pain, hence the morphines"

" Do you know how death feels like doctor? I know you've never experience one, so does everyone else, but it's just a question I have. I guess I'll get the answers soon enough" 

A few words and questions that got me thinking. thinking really hard. Allahu Akbar. Memang mengalir air mata melihat mereka menatap maut di depan mata. 

Tapi bagi mereka : "a painless death" or "a comfortable death" is what they long for. But is it the same for us Muslim?

Doa yang kita selalu baca : 

Yes, a husnul khotimah is what we long for but does it equals to a comfortable death? I wonder..

If a 'painful death' would lead to husnul khotimah, maka jauh lebih baik menanggung 'luka di mata manusia' andai dapat redha Dia. Seperti Tok Janggut yang mayatnya digantung songsang dan diarak di segenap kota : begitu buruk di pandangan manusia, tapi di mata Pencipta, pahala jihad menanti di syurga. Biarlah buruk mati manusia, andai baik di sisi Dia..

Tapi ada juga pejuang agama yang mungkin nampak meninggalnya dia dalam keadaan selesa tapi sedikitpun tak kurang pahalanya. Itu semua terserah kepada Dia. Hence, siapalah kita untuk menilai orang pada saat akhir dia. 

Comfortable death vs painful death = husnul khotimah? I still wonder..

TAMPAL : A FEW MORE NOTES TO SELF!!

................................................................................................................................

[of past and present]

Alhamdulillah, finished my first rotation in National Rehabilitation Hospital. An eye opener and a very heartwarming experience.

Meeting patients in spinal cord injury ward as well as brain injury ward, took me back to my past when I still had a grandmother who was a stroke patient. I wish I could treat her better when I still had the chance. No points regretting as i was still just a little girl back then. But I guess, this two weeks have given me a second chance to try and mend my own feeling, and indeed I see God's grace in every mistakes.

Terlalu banyak yang dipelajari. How a slight damage to the brain can cause catastrophic effects. Trying to be in their shoes..

Dysphasia : a communication defect due to damage in the brain's language region. Expressive dysphasia : you would be able to understand what's going on, what people are talking about yet you are unable to communicate your thoughts.. Depressing.. Especially if you used to be a very chatty person and now all those words are gone and you're stripped away from your personality. Mmmmmm..

Quadriplegia : paralysis that results in a total or partial loss of upper and lower limb functions. Not having any sense on hands and legs and losing motor function, just imagine if a young person gets this. A former athlete and now your prognosis: to walk with assistance. Mmmm..

Sad. Yet this is a rehab centre. All is not gloomy. People come here hoping to get better and indeed I saw very optimistic patients as well.

Those who could not even lift their legs when they first came in and now they can stand shakingly.

Those whose words cannot be deciphered and now they can say yes and no.

Those who came in, intubated and now walk off breathing on their own.

Yes, it's not too huge of an improvement but still an improvement, even if it takes them months to get there. And to see the patients being discharged in a better condition regardless of how little the improvement is, is such a heartwarming scene, subhanallah.. :') and these are the things that kind of shed light to a gloomy day. Subhanallah..

HOPE. It's always there, you just have to put some faith in it and a huge dose of effort to keep it alive.

.............................................................................................................................................

[of present and future]

It's my last day in palliative care rotation and everything was so quiet today.. partly because some have gone home for the weekend while some have gone forever..

Two passed away last night and another three had only a few days to live. There's an end-of-life breathing pattern they say, and I just saw one just now..

"He doesn't have much time left. Probably hours or at most days" the doctor broke the news to the patient's family

Some broke into tears while some remain strong, for the sake of the family. But none was left without tears in the eyes, not even us.. silence..

There was a moment of silence. As a sign of respect and partly for us in the team to regain back our strength. It wasn't easy especially when you have to go through that kind of experience thrice, in a row. But we moved on with tears still not dried - still a few more patients to meet. And that's just life, sometimes you just have to put aside your own feelings.

Met another patient and I was surprised to be greeted with "Assalamualaikum" and I can't help but to smile again. She doesn't speak English so it was hard for the doctors to get anything from her yet she tried her best to talk to me with whatever gestures and words that we share in common.

"Eid mubarrak" she said. "I do qurban" she added. i know she's a muslim, the way she covers her hair..And I just nodded but there's this feeling that makes me smile from within.

There's not much that can be done with her limited English explanation so we left and she herself seemed reluctant to be examined by a male doctor.

And that hits me and it hits hard. If only I have the knowledge and capacity to help her as a doctor but currently I don't.. soon in shaa Allah.. and you'll see another doctor for the ummah..

Later, I visited her again, this time with the few prayers that I know. She speaks little English and I speak none of her language yet the silence still has its own way to bridge us.. I guess it's what's inside that bridges us together...

Alhamdulillah.. thank you Allah. Thank you sister, for making my day brighter. Thank you for getting that spirit of "doctor for the ummah" uplifted again.. you have no idea how your silence speaks through me.. :")

So dear me : usaha kena kuat untuk jadi doktor bagi ummat. Moga Allah redha.. 

L.I.F.E and D.E.A.T.H

Dan pulang ku nanti bukan lagi disambut dia,

Tapi dengan hanya sebuah pusara,

Yang pasti menyaksikan gugurnya air mata,

kerana tak mampu lagi memimpin tangannya,

juga tidak lagi mampu mendengar suara,

atau melayan segala cerita dia..

kerana dia telahpun tiada,

kerana telah dijemput Dia,

untuk melengkapkan cerita seorang manusia,

dengan tercabutnya suatu nyawa,

dan doaku moga bahagia di sana,

semoga nanti kita dapat bersama,

di syurga yang tentunya sempurna.

dan inilah cerita pelajar luar negara,

yang hanya mampu menangis dan berdoa saat kehilangan insan tercinta.

(dan air mata pun bercucuran buat kesekian kalinya)

............................................................................................

Perit rasanya, tapi digagahkan juga membiarkan jari meluahkan emosi di dada, semoga beroleh redha dengan berkongsi sebuah cerita.. cerita lara yang setiap kita pasti merasa.. sebab janjinya..

كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ۬ ذَآٮِٕقَةُ ٱلۡمَوۡتِ‌ۖ 

( Tiap-tiap yang berjiwa akan merasakan mati )

while a part of my brain is in excruciating pain at the thought of death,

another is busy asking.. what is death exactly?

is it the moment when one stops breathing?

or is it when one's heart stops beating?

or is it when the brain stops working?

or is it just a term when life ends..

if that's so,

then what are the boundaries between life and death?

for life itself is still a definition yet to be discovered,

since that would be too hard to decipher,

so they came up with a medical answer,

saying that death is when brain activity ceases to exist,

that's the moment when someone can be called 'deceased'

and they can finally rest in peace.

mmmmmmmmmm.. 

tapi hati masih lagi tertanya-tanya, mati itu apa sebenarnya?

adakah semudah yang dikata..

sedangkan satu-satunya perkara yang pasti dalam hidup manusia adalah M.A.T.I,

bukan dapat ijazah, dapat kerja atau beristeri,

tapi mati itulah yang pasti,

yang mendefinisikan manusia itu sendiri,

kerana tiada manusia yang kekal abadi,

maka, MATI itulah kesempurnaan manusiawi.

dan mereka yang cuba lari daripada kematian,

seolah lari daripada kesempurnaan.

because death completes a man.

soalnya sekarang bersediakan kita untuk mati? Sudah cukupkah bekalan kita untuk hidup di 'dunia' yang abadi? sebab syarat mati itu tak mengira bangsa, tak mengira usia. ada mereka yang mati pada usia tua, tapi ada juga yang mati muda, bahkan ada yang mati sebelum melihat dunia, sebab ajal itu ketetapan Dia. maka, soalan "bersediakah kita?" patut ditanya sepanjang masa.

الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلاً وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ

Dia lah yang telah mentakdirkan adanya mati dan hidup (kamu) - untuk menguji dan menzahirkan keadaan kamu: siapakah di antara kamu yang lebih baik amalnya; dan Ia Maha Kuasa (membalas amal kamu), lagi Maha Pengampun, (bagi orang-orang yang bertaubat. ~ Al-Mulk: 2

Di dalam ayat ini, didahulukan menyebut mati sebelum hidup supaya orang akan ingat jalan yang bakal ditempuh sebelum orang berjalan, ingat akibat sebelum melangkah, Maka ingatlah mati sebelum kita hidup dengan gembiranya, sebab hidup kita bukan sekadar di dunia tapi yang lebih utama hanyalah sebagai jambatan ke negeri 'sana' di mana mati sebagai tolnya dan mati sudah semestinya bukanlah destinasi.

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(dan buku Reclaim your Heart dibuka)

"What relationship do I have with this world? I am in this world like a traveller who halts in the shade of a tree for a short time, and after taking some rest, resumes his journey leaving the tree behind" (Hadith Ahmad, Tirmidhi)

So let us ponder upon the metaphor of a traveler. What happens when you're travelling or you know that your stay is only temporary? When you're passing through a city for one night, how attached do you get to that place? If you know it's temporary, you'll be willing to stay at Motel 6. But would you like to live there? Probably not. Suppose your boss sent you to a new town to work on a limited project. Suppose he didn't tell you exactly when the project would end, but you knew you would be returning home, any day. How would you be in that town? Would you invest in massive amounts of properties and spend all your savings on expensive furniture and cars? Most likely not. No. You'd probably hesitate about buying any more than you need for a couple of days - because your boss could call you back any day. 

This is the mindset of a traveler. There is a natural detachment that comes with the realization that something is only temporary.

enough said...

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dan pengalaman hari ini mengajar aku suatu lagi perkara : 

untuk berharap dan bergantung hanya pada Dia,

sebab kalau kita harapkan insan untuk pulihkan perasaan, 

maka mungkin hancurlah harapan,

sebab insan itu tetap insan, yang lupanya tetap ada, 

yang tetap juga boleh ketawa saat kita berduka,
atau mungkin yang langsung tak endah apa yang kita rasa,
atau tak tahu pun situasi kita,

tapi tidaklah salah sesiapa kerana memang sifat manusia itu memang tidak  sempurna,

yang salah adalah mana letaknya 'attachment' kita.

We can't blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us in the first place. Our weight was only meant to be carried by God.

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In loving memory of my grandmother who passed away on 9 Jamadil Akhir 1435, 

yang tak sempat melihat cucu perempuannya menjadi doktor.

The Story of ~ The Wise Young Boy~

A very interesting story that I would like to share with everyone. One that I read from a book not long ago.

May we learn something from this, and may we be inspired to be among the people of knowledge.

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Many years ago, during the time of the Tabi'in, Baghdad was a great city of Islam. In fact, it was the capital of the Islamic Empire and because of the great number of scholars who lived there, it was the centre of Islamic knowledge.

One day, the ruler of Rome at the time, sent an envoy to Baghdad with three challenges for the Muslims. when the messenger reached the city, he informed the khalifah that he had three questions which he challenged the Muslims to answer.

The khalifah gathered together all of the scholars of the city and the Roman messenger climbed upon a high platform and said " I have come with three questions. If you answer them, then I will leave you with a great amount of wealth which I have brought from the King of Rome"

As for the questions, they were :

"What was there before Allah?"

"In which direction does Allah face?"

"What is Allah engaged in at this moment?"

The great assemblies of people were silent.

In the midst of these brilliant scholars and students of Islam was a man looking on with his young son.

"O my dear father! I will answer him and silence him!" said the young boy. So the boy sought the permission of the khalifah to give the answers and he was given the permission to do so.

The Roman came up to the young Muslim and addressed him, repeating his first question : "What was there before Allah?"

The boy asked "Do you know how to count?"

"Yes" said the man, slightly puzzled as to why he was asked such a strange question.

"Then, count down from ten" ~ So the Roman counted down, thinking that the young boy probably didn't understand. "Ten, nine, eight..." until he reached one and he stopped counting.

"But what comes before 'One' ?" asked the boy.

"There is nothing before one - that's it!" 

said the Roman.

"Well then, if there's obviously nothing before the arithmetic 'one', then how do you expect that there should be anything before the "One" who is Absolute Truth, All-Eternal, Everlasting, The First, the Last, the Manifest and the Hidden?"

Now the man was surprised by the direct, intelligent answer, which he could not dispute.

So the Roman thought that he would do better with the second question. This young boy would surely not be able to answer the next question. So, he asked 

"Tell me, in which direction is Allah facing?"

"Bring a candle and light it up" said the boy, 

"and tell me in which direction the flame is facing?"

"But the flame is just light - it spreads in each of the four directions, North, South, East and West. It does not face any one direction only." 

said the man in wonderment.

The boy cried 

" Then if this physical light spreads in all four directions such that you cannot tell me which way it faces, then what do you expect of the Nur-us-samaawati-wal-ardh : Allah- the Light of the Heavens and the Earth?! Light upon light, Allah faces all directions at all times."

The Roman was stupefied and astonished that here was a young child answering his challenges in such a way that he could not argue against the proofs! So, he desperately wanted to try his final question. He didn't want to be defeated by this young boy.

But before doing so, the boy said. 

"Wait! You are the one who is asking the questions and I am the one who is giving the answer. It is only fair that you should come down to where I am standing and that I should go up where you are right now, in order that the answers may be heard as clearly as the questions."

This seemed reasonable to the Roman, so he came down from where he was standing and the boy ascended the platform. Then the man repeated his third question : 

"Tell me, what Allah is doing at this moment?"

The boy proudly answered 

"At this moment, when Allah found upon this high platform a liar and mocker of Islam, he caused him to descend and brought him low. And as for the one who believed in the Oneness of Allah, He raised him up and established the Truth. Every day He exercises (universal) power."

The Roman had noting to say except to leave and return back to his country, defeated and ashamed.

Meanwhile, this young boy grew up to become one of the most famous scholars of Islam. Allah, the Exalted, blessed him with special wisdom and knowledge of the Deen. His name was... Abu Hanifah (rahimullah) and he is known today as Imam-e-A'dham, the Great Imam and the scholar of Islam.

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May we be granted with knowledge of the Deen and the Dunya which is beneficial to us both for this dunya and the here after.

LESSONS LEARNT... MAYBE.. MAYBE NOT...

Just reminiscing some of the lessons I've learnt back in the old days, where time is on my side.. mmmmmmmmm... have I truly learnt..mmmmmmmmm..  astaghfirullah...

What we are today comes from the thought of yesterday, and our present thought build our life of tomorrow.. INSYAALLAH~~

2011's Lessons

1. I learned something about self pity. I’m not saying that everyone else had it easy. It’s just that I’ve had it worse because every time I think that it’s very tiring or I’ve put so much effort or I wanted to smile so badly but I just have to sigh or in simple words, my life sucks, I start looking at everyone else and hate myself for thinking my life sucks in the first place.
2. I learned that, an offer to help is not a comment of weakness. Sometimes, we are just too ego to ask or even to accept any help thinking that it may ruin our credibility. Well, maybe there are certain occasions where people help because they see us as incapable of doing something, or maybe they help just to help themselves feel good about themselves… Mmmmmm, then again we can’t never tell. It’s no more than just assumptions.
3. Hence, the next lesson that I learned here is that when it comes to assumptions, then just give other people the benefits of doubts (BOD). After all, that’s what Islam taught us, to avoid negative thoughts (su'u dzhon) and think nicely of others(husnu dhzon).
4. I learned that we should never regret any of the decisions that we have made, because at that point of decision making, that was the best solution that we can come up with based on our limited experience.
5. I learned that, sometimes truth can hurt so badly. So, unspoken truth or acted lies (to cover up the truth) may not be such a bad idea, not that I want to live in self denial, but if it is for the better good then I’ll go for it.
6. I learned that, knowing what’s wrong and just talk about it will not make a difference. Making it right however will. More often than not, we just love to make ourselves full time member of ‘lajnah’ complain. One may get amazed at how competent sometimes people can be at spotting weaknesses. Guess it’s just nature, to spot a tiny black dot on a large piece of white paper. It’s true that we do need complains for our improvement, but as someone who’s supposed to be of high academic qualification, is complaining the only thing that we can do? I mean seriously, can’t we do something about it. Maybe, if we spend less time complaining during the making of ‘the problem’ then we won’t have the problem in the first place.
7. I learned that I couldn’t stand getting mad at people without getting sick.  I just have to stay calm and pretend not to see or hear anything that would upset me or make me mad. Guess I just have to adopt that “Don’t know, don’t care” attitude and just smiles, because smiling makes everything hurts less.
8. I learned that a strong desire to do something good despite our weaknesses to actually doing it will make the path a lot easier.
9. I learned that all of our ‘InsyaAllah’ can be used against us in the Day of Judgments if not done well. So, maybe it is best to think twice before we decide to break a promise (even a minor one), or to leave the work that has been trusted to us or to take things lightly or not putting our best effort in carrying out our job. Every ‘InsyaAllah’ should be followed by hard core effort, it should be followed by ‘itqan’.
10. I learned that we just have to put our differences aside and start to look for common grounds if we want to work together especially for a good cause. We may not come to a good term due to the differences but diversity is inevitable, we just have to live with it. I’m sure we are all smart enough to make full use of the diversity, once we see it. But what keeps us blind? Mmmm… the answer is within ourselves.
11. I learned that challenges in life can be harsh and cause great pain sometimes. Learn it first hand this year, for this is a year of tears, a year of loneliness and a year lack of smiles but these hardships made me closer to Him. Because, I learned that “when I feel all alone in this world and there’s nobody to count your tears, just remember no matter where you are, ALLAH KNOWS” and everything else matter less. For that, I don’t mind living it all over again.
12. I learned that I can be a bit hard-headed sometimes. It’s really hard for me to ask for help, though I do wish for some help, simply because I’m afraid that I might get hurt even more if I’m turned down and I might burden others. It’s even harder for me to express my feelings especially when I got angry, it’s really hard for me to say anything, I would rather keep it to myself hoping that time will heal it but it just eats me up from inside out. In fact, there’s this one person who said (text actually) some sort of “if you got hurt by a person, then just tell him/her. How can someone knows if he/she has hurt you if you don’t tell him/her?”.  Well, one should know if one makes a mistake without being told, if not then, just be it, I don’t want to make that person fell all guilty by telling him/her right on the face. Mmmm, guess I don’t really learn anything from this =.=’ 
13. I learned that there’s no such thing as sacrifice because how can we sacrifice something that we don’t even own in the first place. We are just giving the things (time,love,money etc) that we once borrowed to it’s rightful owner. So, don’t worry about that loss for there’s something much better in store for us. In fact, the more we give up provided it’s “lillahi ta’ala”, the more we will gain. It’s some kind of ‘barakah’. I mean if we do something in His cause, insyaAllah He will make ease for us. Alhamdulillah, this year despite all of the hardships I manage to get more than I’ve expected.
14. I learned that we should never take people for granted because everyone wants to be appreciated. So saying “Good job, big clap, congratz, thank you, sorry” means a lot because no matter how much people love you, people get tired eventually for feeling under-appreciated. If we are feeling under-appreciated, it doesn’t matter, because we can just reward ourselves, give a pat or two to ourselves because we deserve it. That’s the way we do it!! Yeahhhh!!
15. I learned how to lodge a police report after losing my purse in Tanjung Malim. That sure was something. It made me realize that I’m a big girl already (for taking action on my own of course, not for my carelessness of losing the purse T___T)
16. I learned that sometimes people find pleasure in learning from books or other people’s experiences because they are too afraid to take the risk to learn it first hand. I know that “Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others”, but seriously it’s just not the same. We may have all the theories and knowledge but if not put to a test then theories stay as theories, in fact it may not even be applicable in the real world. So, just go out there, experience it ourselves, there’s really nothing to lose. (This only applies to certain occasions)
17. I learned that sometimes we compromise too much just to fit in. Astaghfirullah.
18. I learned that there are so many good people in the world and I love to be around them. =) I know that I’m constantly making mistakes. I may not be perfect from the outside, far from perfect inside but I’ll never stop trying to be better and, I’ll never stop praying that one day I will be one of them.
19. I learned that I still haven’t learnt the essence of why do people become extremist in certain things? Why do people take things for granted? Why is it so hard for some people to give their best shot? Why do my things keep missing? Why is life so confusing? Why is everyone so different? Why am I different? (well, maybe not this one, because Allah made me different and special, and I’ll never ask Him why, simply because I just love being different ^^) The point is, I learned that I have so much more to learn from everyone.
20. ‎I learned that "People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway,If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway,If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years building, others could destroy overnight. Build anyway.If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.Give the best you have, and it will never be enough for some. Give your best anyway.Because in the end, it is between you and Allah SWT. It was never between you and them anyway.”

What past has passed and what will be will be.

2010's Lessons

1.       I’ve learnt that there’s only bittersweet moment, never bitter nor sweet moment alone. These two comes together to complement one another. There’s always sorrow in the midst of happiness and likewise. So, there’s no point in being devastated when we’re sad and feeling overjoyed when we’re happy.

2.       I’ve learnt the meaning of failures this year. Never have I had this kind of failure in my life before and it is indeed something hard to handle. Frankly speaking, failing my driving tests twice before passing the third was something. Heheh.. I guess, there’s always first time for everything right. I still can’t help myself laughing at this one but one thing for sure, one thing good about failing is that you’ll remember not to FAIL again.. you’ll try your best next time, not to fail.

3.       I’ve learnt that success means nothing once you fail.. All that you’ve worked for and achieved means nothing in other’s eyes once you make mistakes or fail. But it doesn’t matter, because in the end it’s not the compliments from others that we seek for but everything we did, our effort, succeeding or failing,  is just for one reason, to please HIM.

4.       I’ve learnt about the price to pay for knowledge. Normally, I would learn this from the hardships faced by Muslim scholars in the past in their quest for knowledge from book. But this one, I learned from some school boys in which at this age would normally could not care less about knowledge except to pass the exam but not to them. They came to me, asking me to teach them for they couldn’t afford any tuition. They don’t even have proper reference book to refer to, they came to me with just a note book, hoping to learn something. They came to my house right after finishing extra classes from school and would spend hours at my house before going back right before Maghrib for they have night classes to attend. Even I wouldn’t spend that much hours studying, but they would. Why? Their answer : they learn as IBADAH and they believe that knowledge is the only thing that can change their lives, and wouldn’t surrender at any cost in their quest for knowledge for Allah helps those who help themselves. This made me somehow ashamed of myself for not putting much effort to gain knowledge, the way they do….

5.       I’ve learnt that there’s always others who deserve what I’ve got more than I do. But they didn’t get it for the same reason why I got it. It’s ALLAH’s way to test us..

6.       I’ve learnt that there’s no point in having joy that we can’t share with those we love. The same goes when we can’t share our feelings or problems.  It really hurts a lot not to be able to tell your friends about what your joy or news is, as we’re afraid that we might offend them or trouble them  in any way with the news.. So, we just keep everything to ourselves.. mmm.. but somehow it eats us from inside..

7.       I’ve learnt that  there’s no point in holding grudge and hating others. Hating others will only hurt you more. I’m supposed to learn this lesson last year but then, I guess I had not learnt enough. Hopefully, this will do me good. “Hatred is a curved blade. The harm you do, you do to yourself”

8.         I’ve learnt the joy of being a teacher and being appreciated. I’m far from being a good teacher, I realized that, but I tried my best to be one. What I got from my “students”, the school boys who I’ve mentioned earlier was a big fat THANK YOU and 2 kg of sugars. It may sound absurd and funny to think of getting such thing as gifts but it was one of the happiest moment in my life receiving something from these boys who couldn’t afford anything more, but still give me something as a token of appreciation. Indeed, it’s not the gift, but the thought that comes with it that matters the most. They’ve taught me a lot more than I taught them. They taught me to appreciate anyone who’ve done good deeds in the best way you can, even if ‘sugar’ is the only thing you can afford to repay the good deeds.

9.       I’ve learnt that there’s no such thing as succeeding alone. If you succeed while most of your friends don’t, you fail. In fact it creates greater pain seeing our friends losing the battle than enjoying our own ‘victory’. It makes you think that ‘I should have done something to help’ even though you’ve already done your part in helping them. Still, you can’t help but blame yourself.

10.   I’ve learnt how SMALL  I am when I met various people ; those who are academically brilliant, good at sports, extremely good in manners, Hafiz and Hafizah and even someone who can’t even read. There’s always something that I am lacking of from everyone. That’s why I believe that nobody is above anybody because no matter how good we are, there’s always someone, somewhere in this world who would be better than us.

11.   I’ve learnt that desperate time calls for desperate measures. Sometimes, even someone as ‘gentle’ as me, would do crazy things.. heheh.. can’t forget the time when my friends and I help a cat that got stuck on the roof of Surau As-Saad… Thinking back, I don’t know why I did that? Mmmmm~~

12.   I’ve learnt that I need my friends in my life apart from Allah, Rasul, parents and family of course. Friends are what make me who I am. I’ve learnt that I should have treat everyone especially my friends who I love so dearly better. So, thanks a million for being there for me when others don’t, thanks for your words of courage, thanks for having faith in me when others belittle me and thank you just for being as a part of my life, even if it just for a short while. ( OK, enough of this emo mode, and lets get back to serious business)

13.   I’ve learnt that I should try my best to help everyone. Even a simple deed like smiling, would lessen someone’s burden, so I need to smile more. ^^, hehhe.. I also believe that Allah made us different and special with unique abilities so that we would put them to good use, not only to ourselves but also for others. With greater power comes greater responsibility, so as someone who’s supposedly have academic advantage, we should do our part to help others in our own capacity.

14.   I’ve learnt that I’ve wasted a lot of my time in my life doing things I’m not supposed to do. “We use so many words but have so little to relay as angels scribble down every letter that we say. All the viral attachments sent and passionate insults we vent It's easy to be arrogant behind user passwords we invent. But on the day the scrolls are laid, with every word and deed displayed, when we read our accounts, I know, for one, I'll be afraid. That day I'll be so afraid to read, every harsh word that I've spoken - and every time I have lied. I'll be obliged to admit, I'll be obliged to submit Will I have strength owning up to each deed I've tried to hide?” I’ve learnt that I am a sinner who’s trying really hard to improve myself so as to please HIM…. But very often, i slip.

15.   Above all, I’ve learnt that ALLAH gives every chances imaginable and beyond our imagination, for us to improve ourselves by learning from everything. We can learn from our own experience, from other’s who we’ve known for a long time or everyone we simply meet along our journey. We learn from books, but book is only another source of knowledge out of thousands more that people often neglected as my ‘old’ friend would put it. So, it depends on us how to make full use of those chances..

so dear me : Learn well.. learn well please....