Nothing more than just a letter to myself. self absorbed much .. lol :p
This is a journal of my journey as a Muslimah in Eire, a future Muslim doctor, a daughter to a family which is so dear to me and a servant to Allah who's constantly doing mistake..
because it is in the midst of silence, I heard Him the loudest..
because without words I started to listen..
and if it's silence that can bring me closer to Him..
then I'll let silence do the speaking..
and lately silence seems to be my closest companion,
isolation becomes my middle name,
laughter becomes unheard of,
smiles are being forced,
and tears seem to pour down effortlessly,
And truthful was the poet when he said:
"My friend said to me,
‘I see you as a stranger amongst these people without a close friend.'
I said ‘No! But the people are strange, I’m only in this world and this is my way.'
:: and I can't help but to put myself in this situation ::
:: Dear me :: isolation is never an answer for reality is something that you could not escape from. But if isolation gets you closer to Him, then do it for it is a sunnah, but just remember that once you do so, you need to come out strong to serve the ummah. Your silence and isolation is not for you alone but it's for everyone else to share the fruit of your uzlah.
:: things seem to tear apart and then get sewn again one by one, just like a puzzle except that they don't really fit in just as nicely as they used to be...yet... or maybe it's just me who don't see the perfection within the so called "imperfections"..
Sedarkan aku ya Allah,
akan hakikat hidup yang tak akan pernah sempurna,
bila mana syukur tak bertakhta,
bila mana iman tak bersuara,
bila mana nafsu menjadi raja,
bila mana dunia menjadi bayangan syurga,
bila mana takwa tak memandu jiwa,
bila mana diri tersilap memilih cinta,
bila mana hati gagal menilai pahala dan dosa,
saat itu, Kau sedarkan aku ya Allah,
akan hakikat hidup yang tak akan pernah sempurna,
kerana pabila sempurna yang dicari, aku bimbang ia takkan ditemui,
kerana yang sempurna selayaknya hanya untuk Engkau.
Sedarkan aku,
Bukanlah sempurna yang dicari,
namun redha Illahi jualah yang menjadi taruhan hati.
:: Dear me:: Perfection should never be your drive for if it is perfection that you seek for then you're bound to misery , don't let perfect be the enemy of good. Just give your best in the cause of Allah and things should suffice.
“O Allah, I want that I do not want except what You want.”
Dear me : senyum, senyum, dan senyum oki even if it means faking it :')
:: GiVe AnD yOU wIlL ReCEiVe.. HeAleD aNd YoU wILl Be HeALeD ::
So, what is there in giving?? I mean.. all of this while we hear the so called "good" people talking about : THE MEANING OF LIFE IS AT GIVING.. But being in this self-centered world, it's hard to just give without having the thought to receive back.. People would prefer to have the thought : What you give, you get back.. ( just for motivation I guess and there's really nothing wrong in it... at least to a certain extent). Just to give an overview of this concept let's watch this super awesome video by Topaz about the essence of humanity (in my own view of what giving means) .. enjoy : D
Sweet right? I mean the video. It's super nice. It makes you want to smile when you see how everyone is linked.. and the best part is that what goes around comes around.. even in our normal life...
"A random act of kindness just lead to more kindness"
So, for me, giving simply means being nice to everyone because that's how you give a part of yourself to the world while getting some part of others for yourself because everything is a cycle, well.. if not rewarded in this world then rest assure in the here after we'll be rewarded, insyaAllah and that is the best reward of all.. yuppp.. being nice... sounds so idealistic right?? mmmmmmmm.. agak r di situ kot...
Actually the best part when you give is the feeling that comes with it, you know... the feeling when you get to do something good even if it is just a small deed is just soooooo nice.. if you know what I mean.. because in His eyes, every little things that we do, every amount of effort that we put matters.. sometimes the reason behind us being nice or doing charity is to make ourselves feel good and not really about the people who we're helping, which brings us to a point to ponder.... when we help others, we are actually helping ourselves.. it's like, let me help you to help you help ME..
“When you give someone charity be thankful to them. You may befixing their dunya, but they are fixing your akhirah.” Shaykh Waleed Basyouni
oki,, do you know what feels even better than GIVING??
It is when
WE GIVE OTHERS THE CHANCE TO GIVE...
and I learned it first hand from my MED DAY experience in raising fund for hospitals..
and why do I say this??.. mmmmm..
To tell you the truth, when I first got to the assigned place, Red Cow, it was really torturous. I was greeted with such unwelcoming harsh wind and freezing cold temperature that I couldn't even feel my hands and feet. To make matter worse after walking around the small industrial town for quite sometimes, I can see no one outside the building and that was definitely not a good sign for any fund raising activities. After a while my teammate decided to call the person in charge asking whether we should just go someplace else but the answer was "NO, just stay and do whatever you can" and I was like "erkkkkkkkkkkkk"... dumbfounded.. trying to keep myself calm I prayed
ربي يسر ولا تعسر ربي تمم بالخير
"O Allah, make it easy, and do not make it difficult. O Allah, make it end well"
And alhamdulillah, eventually things worked out just fine and I learned a lot from the simple "NO!" instruction.. to list but a few are : patience, perseverance, teamwork, give people the benefits of doubt, smile ^^ is the key to success, and always wear you thermal wear =.=''.
But the thing that I want to stress here is the fact that why do this kind of fundraising where the fund raisers got all the free breakfast and t-shirts, when we can just allocate the money invested for the free stuffs to the hospitals and not have the fund-raising-activity in the first place? I mean .. come on, it's not like each fund-raiser got to raise a whole lot of money (well, maybe some people do get to raise a lot more than the others but the average might not even raise as much money as to the free gifts that they got... kottttt.. hehhe.. :p ). OR why not just ask each med student to donate an amount of money to match the donations in the previous year and NOT HAVE THE FUND RAISING ACTIVITY??... mmmmmmmmmmmmm....
My MED-DAY group.. ^^ just the three of us~
Well, the answer would be ( saya rasa larr, huhuhuh ) because they want the med students to experience themselves the hardship/sacrifice to earn that little amount of money so that they know what a medical world entails. It is sort of a sneak peak introduction of the sacrifice to be made of how we, as medic student would have to give parts of ourselves to the community while sparing some for ourselves.. and as to why can't the med student just donate their own money instead of going around asking for some from strangers, is because this is the chance for US TO GIVE OTHERS THE CHANCE TO GIVE.. the MESSAGE OF GIVING is far more important than the amount or the things given. In fact I learned a lot from the givers / those who donate and their words meant the world :
Handsome young lad :
"I know it's not much but I hope it helps"
Nice old woman :
"Don't bother to remove your gloves to give me the sticker,because you must be cold in this weather"
Little girl and her mom :
"Mommy can I put in the money.." "sure dear"
Wheelchair bound old man :
"Here's some money for the hospitals. It's nice to see young people doing charity work"
A young woman:
"ooow, it's for the hospitals is it? Well, I love to donate some. Just wait till I get the money out ok?"
Mom and his young boy :
"don't bother about that." "But mom.. I want to give my money to her.. here's some coins for charity (while grinning and ran away)"
A young lady :
"I really want to give but you see, right now I only have my cards"
Me :
"Thank you so much. Have a nice day :') (with my most lovely smile)
Everyone :
"Don't mention it. It's all for charity and have a nice day to you too" (with smiles on their faces)
Degree in Medicine in Trinity College Dublin.. kupinang dikau dengan...
After all of these years, tomorrow I'll be starting my very first class as a first year medical student in TCD... But the journey started long before that and like most things it started with a "WHY?"
Boarding off Aer Lingus, I was greeted with the Irish gushing wind... mmmmmm.. "sejukkkkkk....." Alhamdulillah, akhirnya kakiku menjejakkan kaki ke bumi Ireland, typical bumi utk budak medic. ^^
Syukur tak terkira dipanjatkan kerana akhirnya impianku utk belajar bidang perubatan di Ireland akhirnya tercapai lantas sujud syukur menjadi bukti kesyukuranku.. again and again Alhamdulillah..Praise be to Allah that has brought me this far.. More importantly, thank You Allah for making me realized why I am here after 20 years of age.. dan betapa halusnya Allah mengingatkanku tentang hakikat sebenar "belajar kerana Allah" melalui sebuah insiden... mmmm.. Lillahi Ta'ala..
Tanya seorang murabbi " Macam mana result A level?"
Aku menjawab dgn agak sedih "Mmmmmm.. alhamdulillah dapat 3A* tapi satu lagi dapat A jer"
Namun ianya disusuli dengan balasan yang tak pernah kuduga
"TAKBIR... ALLAHU AKBAR!!"
and I was speechless.....tatkala itu air mata berderai laju.. No words can describe my feeling at that point.. berkali-kali Alhamdulillah dilafazkan dan sujud syukur lantas dipanjatkan..pada bulan yang mulia, Ramadhan al-Mubarak itu, insan yang kerdil ini merasai izzahnya Islam dan mula sedar akan tanggungjawab sebenar dirinya sebagai seorang yang mengaku seorang Muslim apatah lagi sanggup meletakkan diri sebagai seorang da'ie... kerana seorang MUSLIM itu membawa imej ISLAM..
Sesungguhnya selama ini aku telah merasai so called 'kejayaan' yang jauh lagi besar.. pelajar terbaik PMR negeri dan among top national dan Top Ten National Scholars in SPM.. sounds impressive? mmmmm..
Sehinggakan aku merasa sedih sangat dgn result A level ( x bersyukur betol.. )..dan apa yang lebih menyedihkan lagi for every single 'success' that I have achieved I would say " Lillahi ta'ala" tanpa memahami erti sebenar di sebalik kata-kata itu... mmmmm..
Tapi betapa sweetnyer Allah apabila dia mengajar aku erti kejayaan sebagai seorang Muslim melalui lafaz takbir daripada seorang Murabbi atas pencapaian yang bagi aku x seberapa ni.. Allahu Akbar..
Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. ( 2:216)
Bagiku lafaz takbir merupakan salah satu syiar Islam.. satu lafaz yang menandakan kemenangan Islam dengan mengagungkan kebesaran Allah.. dan tatkala kejayaan aku yang kecil disusuli dengan lafaz azimah ini, aku merasa malu dengan diri sendiri kerana tidak melakukan yang lebih baik untuk ISLAM dan I felt not worthy of being the flag bearer of Islam yet...
Namun subhanallah, maha suci Allah telah menyedarkan aku dan memberikanku sebuah lagi peluang untuk melakukan yang terbaik di bumi yang asing ini, di bumi Ireland.. Untuk membuktikan erti hidupku sebagai seorang MUSLIMah..
and for that I THANK YOU ALLAH and I will do my best to be the real flag bearer of ISLAM in a way that I know.. While the journey may be rough, I will still act tough.. I may slip, I may fall, I may cry, I may take a rest for a while, but I will keep moving forward for I have you to pick me up.. and because I am bearing a bigger name than my own.. I'm bearing a MUSLIM name..
P/S: Dear me... Please do my best.. Fighting!!! InsyaAllah ^^
“Oh Allah! Make useful for me what you have taught me and teach me knowledge that will be useful to me. Oh Allah! I ask you for the understanding of the prophets and the memory of the messengers, and those nearest to you. Oh Allah! Make my tongue full of your remembrance and my heart with consciousness of you. Oh Allah! You do whatever you wish, and you are my availer and protector and best of aid.”
Dear you,
Who's reading this letter,
Where are you and what are you doing now?
Are you still being the same you?
Or have you changed into someone I can be proud of...
For you are the future me, that I'm worried of..
I don't know what tomorrow holds but I certainly know who holds tomorrow
"Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel"
"Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs."
If this is a letter addressed to my future self,
Then I can truly confide to myself..
Now it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry,
For the wind of changes that I am so afraid of has started to take its flight..
In this land so foreign to me,
With different people and views,
Which may change me for good..
For better or worse..
Dear you,
still I thank you for being you,
and I have something to tell to the 20-year-old you,
The rough seas of youth may be tough,
But row your boat of dreams on,
Towards the shores of tomorrow,
Now please don't get defeated and please don't shed a tear,
During this time when you're seemingly about to disappear,
Just believe in your own voice..
If you keep on asking what and where you should be going as a Muslim..
"I created the jinn and humankind only that they might worship Me"
You'll be able to see the answer..
An answer all so many have lost..
For me as an adult, there are sleepless night when I'm hurt,
Not only because of other people but because of what I did,
But I'm living the bittersweet present,
There's meaning to everything in life,
Failure, success, love, hatred..
They all come together to make you who you are..
“No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaah’s decree.If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee.” Umar al-Khattab R.A
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing,
No matter what era you're in,
There's no running away from sorrow,
So show your smile and go on living the present..
You can be all "aya chan in One litre of tears" for all that matters,( kalau tengok citer ni, then you'll know)
who would smile in the midst of tears..
Dear you,
Who's reading this letter,
I wish you happiness in this world and here after...
Adapted from : Angela Aki, Tegami (letter)
P/s: Dear me.. please smile.. don't ever shed a tear no matter how hard things may be :')
اللهم إني أعوذ بك من الهم والحزن ، والعجز والكسل والبخل والجبن ، وضلع الدين وغلبة الرجال
O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by people.
This will be my very first time having my own blog..
But why blog??
Truth being told I don't know why myself, because back then I used to hate blogging.. ( still am now actually)
"Blog??. x der kejenyer nk buat blog.. byk lg keje len y berfaedah mcm baca buku ker, dgr ceramah agama ker, bersukan ker, tidow ker (erkkk..) drp buat blog ni.."
But once I'm in this Irish land, a new feeling starts to emerge... A feeling to share whatever little experience that I have with others and it's a willingness to start to open up to my own feeling..
Somehow a quote from the ending song of one of my favourite anime, Letter Bee seems to linger in me: " To let memories from dying, turn thoughts into words"
and that's exactly what I'm trying to do because there's so many things that used to matter for me, now lost because I just couldn't recall it the way it used to be.. So many unspoken truths that I fail to deliver and so many experience that I fail to share with those I love. It's a regret that I wish to lessen.. mmmmmmm~
“Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.” - Mitch Albom
And things that I have now is just my memories and my present days, for my future is still uncertain.. I would like to nurture my memories and dance with it as Mitch Albom would put it.. and share the experience while I still can now ^^
The urge to share the knowledge/experience has been there all along in Islam for our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W had once said in a hadith : " convey from me even if it is a single verse "..
"Ballighu anni walau ayah.." a common hadith which I've heard all so often but only had it's huge impact on me very recently.. (guess I'll elaborate on this experience later) and it initiates me on starting this blog.. a small step in leaving a mark in this world.. because you either make a history or become history..
This is nothing more than just a letter to myself, to remind me of the things that matter.. From those little things that in the years back I failed to capture to those huge things that affected my life.. From things as small as watching movies and listening to songs to starting a new life in a place 15 000 km away from home..
This is a journal of my journey as a Muslimah in Eire, a future Muslim doctor, a daughter to a family which is so dear to me and a servant to Allah who's constantly doing mistake..
